16) Linda Katehi
Crimes: OK, so this tyrannical spanakopita is not technically American, but she’ll always bring a tear to our eyes — and not just for raising tuition. Not only did the UC-Davis Chancellor condone the brutal pepper-spraying of peaceful students, manufacture a fake hostage situation, and refuse to resign, Katehi is also responsible for bringing the same authoritarian mentality back to Greek campuses. Katehi sat on a commission that ended Greece’s asylum law which made Greek schools a cop/army-free zone and came into being after pro-democracy student protesters were crushed by force in ’73. A Greek student herself at the time, Katehi apparently remembers the violence fondly.
Known accomplices: cat-walking fascist homophobe Lt. John Pike.
Smoking Gun: “We deeply regret that many of the protestors today chose not to work with our campus staff and police to remove the encampment as requested.”
Sentence: Married to Newt Gingrich.
15) Hank Williams Jr.
Crimes: Repeatedly asked us if we were ready for some football when, in fact, he knew we were ready for some football. His fame derived solely from music industry nepotism; even Julian Lennon and Jakob Dylan seemed legitimate talents by contrast. But this year, Ol’ Pube-beard’s hilariously ahistoric “Fox and Friends” gaffe, wherein he compared Obama to Hitler, at least had the beneficent effect of removing his inane query from our national consciousness. And his musical response “Keep the Change,” imploring that Fox somehow twisted his words, is probably one of the funniest country songs ever written this side of Poe’s Law. He’s possibly running for Senate. And he can’t count to three.
Smoking Gun: “That would be like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu…They’re the enemy… Obama! And Biden! Are you kidding? The Three Stooges.”
Sentence: A run for Senate. Please.
14) Scott Walker
Crimes: With the assistance of a truculent Republican Legislature, Walker’s forced through a mountain of draconian measures in Wisconsin that’ve made Kim Jong Il blush — slashing funding for education, healthcare and Planned Parenthood, enacting voter ID, allowing guns in the Capitol while simultaneously banning cameras and signs, and even trying to charge protesters a fee for exercising their 1st Amendment rights to name just a few. Most egregious was his budget “repair” bill, which ended collective bargaining for the majority of public employees in the state. Not only did he fail to mention this while running for Governor, he’s since admitted that it doesn’t save the state one flat dime. Walker’s just your run-of-the-mill hypocrite and liar, decrying out-of-state money while receiving half of his donations from…out of state. And despite all his business-friendly rhetoric that “Wisconsin is Open for Business,” his policies have made the state the biggest job-loser in the nation.
Smoking Gun: At the height of protests in February, when he refused to talk to the Democratic opposition, Walker took a 20-minute call from a “liberal blogger” posing as arch-libertarian asshole David Koch — revealing his plans to trick the self-exiled Democrats back into session, and that he thought about discrediting protesters by planting troublemakers in the crowd.
Sentence: Forced back into the private sector — as David Koch’s butler.
13) Rick Perry
Crimes: He’s such a stammering cretin that he makes George W. Bush sound like a Rhodes Scholar. A deluded Christian who hates women and science unless there’s a paycheck from Merck involved. Proving once again that everything’s bigger in Texas, Governor Goodhair’s impudent corruption is unbound by the “small government” rhetoric he espouses. From an auto magnate who donated $400K and got a $25 million a year subsidy to a poultry seller who gave $165K and landed a $500K grant, Perry’s major donor list reads like the state welfare rolls. In an attempt to ingratiate himself to the retarded Republican base, Perry’s ultimately comedic presidential bid began with a massive “day of fasting and prayer,” in which he enlisted the help of American Family Association hatemonger Bryan Fischer to ask God to save America from an abortion-based atheist economy. Or whatever.
Smoking Gun: “Gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.”
Sentence: Loses hair from radiation poisoning, ravaged by a troop of foxes, and…I forget the third thing.
12) Donald Trump
Crimes: Besotted by his own garish ignorance, The Donald stumbled into a depth of buffoonery last year which made Gary Busey seem respectably grounded. Like an awful P.T. Barnum with an unkempt raccoon on his head, everything from floating a presidential run, dabbling in birtherism, and trying to moderate a debate (that none of the Republicans were stupid enough to touch) was unadulterated self-promotion aimed at boosting ratings for NBC’s ode to capitalist douchebaggery “The Apprentice.”
Smoking Gun: “I have a great relationship with the blacks.”
Sentence: Dipped in gold, buried in Ron Paul’s backyard.
11) John McCain
Crimes: Despite being alive for most of recorded history, McCain has learned absolutely nothing from it. Along with the Democratic Senator from Michigan Carl Levin, and much to the sadistic delight of Lindsay Graham, McCain coauthored the despicable National Defense Authorization Act which codifies the federal government’s authority to indefinitely detain Americans who’ve been accused of terrorism without trial. You got a joke for that? Yeah, me neither.
Smoking Gun: ”…it’s okay for us to send a predator, and fire, and kill that person…”
Sentence: Detained without trial and tortured.
10) Lamar Smith
Crimes: Normally concerned with protecting Texans from the evils of melanin and marijuana, the congressman outdid himself this year by introducing the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) — the bill that would enable the feds to censor any website merely accused of copyright infringement. With staffers who moonlight as intellectual property rights lobbyists, Smith has pushed bad web legislation before. For example, his innocuously titled Protecting Children from Internet Pornographers Act of 2011 proposes that all internet users be surveilled, again, merely for being suspected of virtual-pedophilia. Yes, that means you, 4chan.
Smoking Gun: The background image of Smith’s campaign website is a copyright violation.
Sentence: While singing Time-Warner’s copyrighted “Happy Birthday to You” at a family party, he has a stroke and falls into the cake.
9) John Boehner
Crimes: A corporate shill, inside trader, and blubbering alcoholic, who in pandering to the Tea Party ascendants helped create a monster he couldn’t control. As House Speaker, Boehner’s as responsible as anyone for a year of total government impotence which saw our credit rating downgraded, pizza sauce labelled as a vegetable, and “In God We Trust” affirmed as the national motto. The most infuriating thing about Boehner playing “fiscally responsible” politics over the debt ceiling was that the debt ceiling isn’t a limit on how much we can borrow, it’s a limit on how much incurred debt we’ll pay back — which is like saying that the responsible thing to do is to use your credit card and not pay the bill.
Smoking Gun: “We’re legislating. He’s campaigning. It’s very disappointing.”
Sentence: Ground up with a giant mortar and pestle, mixed with water, used to dye hunting jackets and pylons.
8 ) Eric Cantor
Crimes: A man who makes Congress’s 5% approval rating seem confoundingly high, Cantor’s political MO is to take a dump on his adversaries and condemn them for smelling like shit. In a transparently cynical ploy to limit Barack Obama to one term, Cantor — whom the intransigent tea-bagging House freshmen laughably view as an inspirational father-figure — can be found dropping a steaming political deuce at every legislative dead-end in Washington. In the bag for every rich, science-denying, and homophobic asshole in the country, Cantor’s ideology is one not of substance, but one of vacuous ambition, which places party before progress and spurns the intelligence of every living creature in America.
Smoking Gun: Through his press secretary, Cantor demanded that hurricane Irene relief should be paired to an equal amount of spending cuts.
Sentence: Every dollar earned for the rest of his life balanced out by a punch to the face.
7) Jamie Dimon
Crimes: It takes a special kind of asshole to helm a publicly bailed-out multinational bank — one guilty of defrauding investors, bid-rigging, bribery, and market manipulation — to a 23% market cap loss, earn an astounding $42 million doing it, and fail to grasp why people hate your thieving guts. JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon is that special kind of asshole. As a part of the stunningly obtuse nonprofit advocacy group “Job Creators Alliance,” Dimon joined his fellow embattled billionaires in denouncing the OWS “imbeciles” who, in the words of Tom Golisano, make them want to “vomit.” He may not get why people hate his guts, but he gets that they do, which may help explain why JPMorgan Chase donated an unprecedented $4.6 million to the NYPD’s pepper spray fund.
Smoking Gun: “Acting like everyone who’s been successful is bad and because you’re rich you’re bad, I don’t understand it.”
Sentence: Mob violence.
6) Barack Obama
Crimes: A post-constitutional demagogue who ran on closing Guantanamo Bay, and ended up signing away Americans’ right to trial. But you can’t blame him for it. Really. Because he’ll be out of office when it begins. The guy is literally ordering flying robots to murder people throughout the Arab world — Americans even — but if you call him a fascist people think you’re in league with Glenn Beck or Lyndon LaRouche. While playing ninja assassin abroad, he takes a decidedly different tact with the terrorists at home, often folding to the whims of insane Republicans like so much origami. In too many ways, his first term may as well have been Bush’s third — with weak Wall St. regulations, an unconscionable war on medical marijuana and whistle-blowers, and total inaction on global warming. Seemingly more concerned with the rights and prosperity of those in the Middle East, his silence on the often violent OWS crackdowns was nothing short of galling.
Smoking Gun: “I want to be very clear in calling upon the Egyptian authorities to refrain from any violence against peaceful protesters. The people of Egypt have rights that are universal. That includes the right to peaceful assembly and association, the right to free speech, and the ability to determine their own destiny. These are human rights. And the United States will stand up for them everywhere.”
Sentence: Toothy head from Jonathan Chait.
5) Mitt Romney
Crimes: The Schrödinger’s cat of American politics, Mittens is simultaneously on both sides of every issue, and no one truly knows his position until he opens his mouth. He’s so incapable of honesty that he’s even lied about his own name. Morally dissonant, too, much of the seed money for Bain Capital — which made Mittens millions by gutting companies, killing jobs and raiding pensions — came from an El Salvadorian family that financed death squads in the ’80′s, but when it came time to do business with Artisan Entertainment, Romney refused because they produce R-rated movies. But what can you expect from a guy who purports to believe that Native Americans descended from Jews and hung out with Jesus, God lives on the planet Kolob, the devil invented coffee, and underwear can be magic. And he’s so damn white he makes Justin Bieber seem like Gil Scott-Heron.
Smoking Gun: “I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.”
Sentence: Cut into pieces and sold off to the highest bidder.
4) Jon Corzine
Crimes: As the Goldman CEO who made the firm public, Corzine scored an instant $400 million, and then spent $100 million becoming senator then governor of New Jersey. He managed the state so poorly that he floated the idea of privatizing the Turnpike, which sent New Jersey running into the fat arms of Chris Christie. Obama’s biggest Wall Street fundraiser reentered the world of high finance in 2010 as CEO of MF Global brokerage firm, where he repeated the shady dealings that led to the ’08 economic collapse — using a billion in client cash to cover insane gambles like some compulsive OTB degenerate raiding his child’s college fund.
Smoking Gun: “I never intended to break any rules.”
Sentence: Scrutinized by the Justice Department as though he were a Gibson guitar stuffed with medical marijuana.
3) Grover Norquist
Crimes: Born with money and without decency, young Norquist got into politics as a Nixon campaign volunteer, and his filthy mitts have been picking the pockets of the poor and working class ever since. A coauthor of Gingrich’s Contract With America, and integral in designing the Bush tax cuts, Norquist is best known for his anti-tax group Americans for Tax Reform — a member of the Koch-backed American Legislative Exchange Council (which crafts corporate-friendly legislation for state reps to pass off as their own). All but two Republicans in D.C. have signed Norquist’s “Taxpayer Protection Pledge,” which binds them through implied shaming and character assassination to never raise taxes on the rich, thus ensuring a return to a better time in America when children worked in coalmines, got black lung and died hungry without whining about it. Although complicit in the illegal schemes of swine like Oliver North, Jack Abramoff, and Tom Delay, Norquist’s naked duplicity is best summed up with his take on two recent tax issues: He was fine with raising payroll taxes, which would’ve hurt average Americans, but if Obama lets the Bush tax cuts on the wealthy expire, Norquist thinks he should be impeached.
Smoking Gun: “I don’t want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub.”
Sentence: Kidnapped by Somali pirates, drowned in a tub of his own tears.
2) Rupert Murdoch
Crimes: Who’d have thought that a country founded as a prison, and inhabited by the world’s deadliest snakes, could produce such venomous turpitude? News Corp.’s phone-hacking scandal, wherein their Brit tabloids snooped the voice mail of celebs, royals, relatives of terrorism victims, and a missing girl (also erasing her messages and giving her family false hope that she was still alive), can safely be counted among Murdoch’s least offenses as the modern-day William Randolph Hearst. In fact, it’s probably the closest thing resembling journalism his media empire’s done in some time. Back in ’03 a Florida court unanimously ruled that FOX News has the legal right to lie, and, as evidenced by the profound ignorance of its viewership, they’ve since made Goebbels seem a small-time fibber – beating the drums for war, reporting innuendo and racist opinion as fact, and subverting public understanding on every basic issue from Obama’s citizenship to man-made global warming. Fox News is no longer a propaganda arm for the Republican party; it’s the brain, fanning the flames of extremism, and exploiting white middle class prejudice to the point of economic cannibalism. And he’s ultimately responsible for subjecting you to the intolerable smarminess of Piers Morgan.
Smoking Gun: “I do not accept ultimate responsibility.”
Sentence: Deported to the moon for show trial, denied clemency by Moon Governor Newt Gingrich.
1) David (and Charles) Koch
Crimes: Heirs to a fortune created largely by their John-Birch-crazy father’s oil deals with Stalin, the putrid fruit didn’t fall far from the hypocritical tree. The billionaire Kochs are still profiting from business with America’s enemies in Iran and, as the Tea Party’s sugar daddies, spending big to trump reason at home. Their cash and ideology can be found lurking behind nearly every “free market” think tank, anti-labor front group, global warming-denying sophist, and malfeasant politician hellbent on making the rich richer at the expense of everyone else. Perhaps the most sinister Koch-bankrolled endeavor is the American Legislative Exchange Council. As mentioned above, ALEC drafts corporate-approved legislation for state representatives to introduce as their own. These model bills primarily focus on union busting, instituting discriminatory voter ID, and privatizing every state institution imaginable. There’s a multi-front war being waged on the middle class in which these guys are the generals. And in a fitting tribute to the disingenuous gods of irony, Koch scaremongering over socialism and wealth redistribution is subsidized in part by the American taxpayer.
Smoking Gun: “If I called up a senator or a congressman to discuss something with them, and they heard ‘David Koch is on the line,’ they’d immediately say, ‘That’s that fraud again — tell him to get lost!’”
Sentence: The plot of that Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd movie Trading Places.