It’s a list. We hear you like lists.
Compiling this list is always difficult. There are just so many needy nations, upon which our beneficent empire could deliver death from above, that you can’t help but be disappointed by how relatively few we actually oblige. And, of course, this compendium is both wholly subjective, and admittedly incomplete. Perhaps your favorite assassination didn’t make the cut, or you’ll take umbrage with my ranking system. Or maybe one of our awesome Predators killed your entire family with a Hellfire missile, and you’re being a whiny little bitch about it. What can I say? Everyone’s a critic.
Although there’s been 70 unmanned aerial vehicle strikes in Pakistan alone this year, it’s my contention that the bulk of our terrorist-thwarting, freedom-loving, Chuck Norris-style ass-kickings produce only a few gems worth mentioning. Fortunately, our incredibly wise and moral Nobel Peace Prize-winning President Barack Obama has unleashed more C.I.A. drones than did his predecessor, and the Pentagon has asked Congress for nearly $5 billion for UAVs in 2012, so next year’s list is already looking good.
Well, without further ado, I’m proud to present to you The 8 Most Awesome Drone Stories of 2011:
8. Sentinel Down
While sadly not resulting in any deaths, nor technically designed for such action, the crashed Lockheed Martin RQ-170 Sentinel drone still makes this list of great terror-busting accomplishments because it let the sticky, awful Iranians know we have world-class surveillance
By violating Iranian airspace we send a clear message: get the notion of nuclear weapons out of your heads because…well, because we say so. That’s why.
7. Pakistan and/or Bust!
With the respective death tolls frustratingly low (At least 6? At least 21? How gay is that!), these two strikes in Waziristan should nonetheless give us hope. I thank my Personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the Most High God, that my nation executes people for being “suspected” and “militant.” It’s such a bother to find out if people are actual militants, and much more prudent to assassinate them for the mere chance that they could be militant. That’s what the Bible teaches us. How dare people go around possibly militant. I can’t imagine a more worthy reason to murder another person who lives halfway around the world. Well, maybe if they were a suspected Lars Von Trier. Have you ever seen a Lars Von Trier movie? What was I thinking? They nearly revoked my black man license for doing that shit. Spike Lee, personally, came over to my house and broke my glasses. Never again.
6. Somalia, the Libertarian Paradise.
Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Yemen, Libya…what other nation of swarthy Muslim terrorists should we target? Somalia! We’ve been flying surveillance UAVs over Somalia for a while (one was tragically shot down in 2009), but this year we finally gave those Somalis some sweet drone beat-downs, nailing two members of al-Shabab and a handful of foreign fighters. Somalia is one of the poorest nations in the world, so every time we eliminate a Somali, there’s simply more relative wealth to go around; it’s economics 101. Paul Krugman once said that in a lecture.
5. Pack it in, Pakistan.
Our noble drone strikes are often portrayed in the anti-American international press, as in this Guardian article, like they have unintended consequences. A Pakistani called Noor Behram has spent the last three years documenting “civilian” causalities in his native Waziristan, according to the Guardian‘s Islamofascist propaganda, and we’re made to believe that these strikes radicalize an otherwise peaceful populace. However, this “collateral” damage creates exactly what America needs: More Terrorists!
I mean, how can we fight a War on Terror if there are no terrorists? Have you read the Watchmen? You can’t give people Super status, like we have in America, and then give them nothing to fight. We’d go mad…or focus on fighting fictitious things like “global warming” — but that wouldn’t involve killing people, so forget it.
4. Free Speech Zones
It was just another run-of-the-mill, extralegal execution of eight members of They-Might-Be-Militants in North Waziristan. Nothing special there. What makes it notable is that it was the first drone strike carried out after the assassination of Osama bin Laden. The attack also occurred while approximately 1,500 Pakistanis foolishly protested the fine work of Seal Team 6. This mission shows us that, contrary to popular misconceptions, the death of the 9/11 mastermind is not a valid reason to slow the War on Terror. Indeed, it’s a reason to rev it up. What if these people are right about Paradise? Osama, after banging all that fine, obedient, never-left-the-house, virgin vag he might return from death and attack us again. If Jesus can return to earth, who’s to say some Muslims don’t have the same powers? Can you prove that a bunch of dead Muzzies led by Osama won’t come back? Until you can prove they won’t, I say, more War On Terror!
After all, Bin Laden hated us for our freedoms, and anyone who says otherwise hates America. Unlike in America, the people of the Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan nations are not allowed to gather by the thousands to protest in the street. If they even tried it, the police would probably fence them in, pepper-spray them, shoot them with tear gas canisters and rubber bullets, and throw them in jail for a few nights.
God Bless America.
3. Battlefield ‘Murka
If there are any downsides to sending drones to places most Americans can’t find on a map (bother to read about in a book, or learn about in a documentary), is that we can’t witness the wonders of the drone in operation right here in the good old U.S. of A. Except, it turns out we can and will! And the cynics say that prayer doesn’t work.
So far, local sheriffs, the FBI and the DEA are using UAVs strictly for surveillance purposes. But with the impending National Defense Authorization Act, which defines America as another battlefield in the War on Terra, that could change with the stroke of Barack Obama’s pen. I personally can’t wait to see how awesome the effects of armed drones will have on the citizens of this land. I can’t imagine it being anything other than welcomed. After all, as long as the drones kill ALL THE RIGHT PEOPLE it should be fine.
As it now stands, we have to fly to Yemen to assassinate Americans suspected of being terrorists. The flights add carbon dioxide to the atmosphere. After this legislation we won’t be doing that. So, killing Americans on American soil is actually good for the “environment,” and Liberals won’t cry so much. A win-win.
2. Citizen Pain
What’s worse than being a suspected militant? Being an American born suspected militant who goes on the internet and says mean things about America! Free speech is a great thing. However, it must be used only to mock celebrities and threaten young girls with rape. Anything else and you’ve crossed the line. Clearly, Anwar al-Awlaki crossed that line by saying things about the American government that is only allowed to our esteemed TEA Party Patriots. And trials are for queers, anyway.
1.Son of Citizen Pain
What’s more unforgivable than going on the internet and spitefully ranting against America? Being the son of a suspected militant who went on the internet and spitefully ranted against America. A U.S. citizen, Abdulrahman al-Awlaki, is said to have been a fan of “The Simpsons,” the music of Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog and dangerous occult literature like Harry Potter. How could that person be allowed to live? He couldn’t. There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that Abdulrahman would have grown up to become a murderer. He would have become a Timothy Macveigh, or a Charles Mason, or a Greta Van Susteren. And in the Post-9/11 World, we simply can’t stand idly by and wait for tragedy. We must proactively create tragedy.
Here’s to an even greater aerial assault in 2012! And remember: if you see a suspected terrorist (exemplified by watching The Simpsons or any entertainment that involves Harry Shearer, say something. Everyone’s life depends on it!