By Sic McLovelorn, BEAST Relationship Expert
I was recently “friended” by a stranger on Facebook. She is listed as single, lives in the same city as me, and looks cute, but our only mutual friend is a local DJ. I kind of want to get to know her better and maybe ask her out, but I don’t know if the norms of Facebook allow that. Should I send her a message? – Entirely Too Lonely in Buffalo
Oh, I don’t know, Entirely. Goddamn Facebook. It’s nice that everybody’s Grandma gets to see pictures of them getting sloshed at the club in between rows of tan cleavage, but on the downside you have to deal with postmodern dilemmas like this one. But you know what? I’ve heard of strangers linking up on the site before. It’s definitely not normal, don’t get me wrong, but if she’s Cold-Friending you like that, she’s probably at least half as crazy as you are.
So here’s what I’d recommend: Get drunk. Good and Drunk. Then, just to make sure all your bases are covered, put forty-five minutes into a rambling and semi-incoherent message to your most recent ex. Tell her all the reasons you’ve suddenly realized it didn’t work out between the two of you, but that you’re working on yourself, and that it would be “cool” to get together again sometime. Throw in some subtle innuendo towards the end that’s not really as “subtle” as you drunkenly think it is.
Next, start up a message to your Cold Call Companion. Tell her that you’re not sure if you’ve met but that she seems “cool” and that it would be “cool” to go check out this one DJ who’s not exactly like (but IS exactly like) the DJ you both Like. And don’t stop there. Specifically reference her most provocative tagged photo in a “subtle” way, and be sure to add a “semi-colon-end parenthesis” to really drive the point home. Pause for a moment as the imminent dread begins to set in but hit “Send” before your conscience can chime in. Then delete your outbox for posterity and go to bed; you’re drunk!
I’m in DC from out of town right now, slamming this girl at GW, but I have nothing to do while she’s in class. – Extracurricular in the Capital
First of all, good work, Extra – not so much on the collegiate hook-up, but on your use of the term “slamming” in this context. I’m about to steal that and get a lot cooler. But, like, what do you have in mind? Are you looking for “something” or “someone” to do? You need to be more specific here, folks.
I’m going to assume you’re referring to the latter and recommend that your first priority be making sure you know this girl’s schedule a couple days – or at least hours – out. Then hop onto your Contacts list or Facebook page and see if you know any other girls in town with whom you’ve had unresolved frottage in the past. Be all like, “Sup yo im in dc right now wat u up to the next few days/hours.” Then hop onto OkCupid and see if you can work something out there, too. You’re in a 500K+ population city after all, and although the site is borderline useless for short-notice encounters in my own 250K-zone, you might have some last-minute luck in the nation’s capital. Maybe even head over to Ashley Madison, why not – it costs a little money to get started, and requires a lot more legwork before it pans out, but I’d be so proud of you if you ended up “slamming” some senator’s wife while your Co-Ed was in ENG101.
Either way, devote the first few class-breaks to making some headway, and be sure to delete the browser cache anytime your Student Friend texts you on her way back towards the dorms. Hopefully you’ll have a rendezvous lined up for the next time she heads over to the Student Union.
So there you go. If I misread this and you really were just looking for “something” to do, then get Good and Drunk and follow all the steps above. When your Academic Fuck Buddy gets home and you’re all sloshed and you’ve actually just settled for Youporn in the waning afternoon, just be all like, “Baby… no, I’m not drunk… no, fuuuuck you.” Then break something and leave.
For terrible dating advice, send questions to firstname.lastname@example.org