Name: Janet Jackson’s Right Breast
Turn-ons: Saline bags, fresh air, media circuses, football, JJ from “Good Times” (he’s still got it!)
Turn-offs: Confining military-style outfits, nature, Paula Abdul, hungry babies, Moveon.org
How I became The BEAST Page 3 Surgically Enhanced Right Breast: Well, it’s kind of silly, really. Janet was rehearsing her big halftime number with Justin Timberlake, and he kept talking about how they should do something to top Britney’s smooch with Madonna. Janet has a basic resentment of “white bitches who sell more records than [her] cause they’re white,” so she went for it. MTV loved it, too. I guess we didn’t plan on everyone freaking out, though—it’s a different crowd than the Video Music Awards, I guess. Now they’re all denying that it was planned, which is about as believable as the Warren commission. C’mon, why was I adorned with that crazy pasty? How come it happened just at the line “bet I’ll have you naked by the end of this song?” Why would Janet be wearing a tear-away bra? What other “shocking moments” could MTV have been referring to in its statement prior to the show? Why did Justin say, “Hey man, we love giving you all something to talk about,” right afterwards? We wanted the hype, and we got it. Why not fess up? Either way, Janet’s next album is gonna sell like heroin, no matter how crappy it is.
Future Plans: I imagine that I and my counterpart will be wrapped up tight for a while, while the backlash dies down, but our popularity will no doubt rise in the wake of this global peepshow. We’re also thinking of having hydraulics installed.
How I want to be remembered: As the most important thing in the world; way more engaging than all of that political election war stuff; even more important than football and high-priced commercials. Also as proof that any girl can be a sex symbol, as long as she doesn’t mind undergoing a Frankenstein-like surgical transformation, and having a clownish smile carved into her face.