Turn-ons: adolescent boys, vampires, werewolves, atrocious writing, bad CGI, Mormons and being judged by different sexual standards than men.
Turn-offs: Dostoevsky, fags, blacks, thinking with my brain and greasy cookware.
How we got to be The BEAST Page 3 Twilight Mom: Well, I was out at the local shopping mall—you know, scoping out the genitalia of adolescent boys when I was approached by BEAST editor Allan Uthman. I went with him, because I thought he was a werewolf. He sure is hairy, but it turns out that he’s just Kurdish. Too bad, too, because I was getting all wet down there! I guess after I get home I’ll just diddle myself to my daughter’s high school yearbook—again.
Future plans: I’m going to furiously masturbate while thinking of adolescent werewolves. I also plan on taking out a loan to start my own vampire dating service. Or maybe I’ll write my own book about masturbating to adolescent vampires and werewolves just like Stephenie Meyer!
How I’d like to be remembered: As an odd cultural phenomenon, wherein, old ladies are allowed to fawn over, and masturbate to, shallow descriptions of supernatural creatures—and all under the clever guise of bonding with my daughter, which is funny, because I fucking hate that bitch.