"Totally coup, yo."

The Beasties: 127 Black Swan

Feb

16

by

Despite all of the protests against it in the Middle East, we will be continuing with another installment of The BEASTIES. As a concession to the demonstrators demanding they cease immediately, this one will cover twice the normal amount of movie and will use far less effort to create. But this ongoing feature will not step down. The movie “reviews” will continue until morale improves:

***
That or next week sometime. Here are 127 Black Swan:

127 Hours

First 4 Minutes: Some guy has made a tragic decision to leave his apartment and cell phone behind and flee from civilization like Hosni Mubarak from Cairo. Then he will start a new life as a grizzled, bearded, mumbling, squirrel-eating, cow-mutilating, lice-infested hermit who gives out wisdom and life-changing advice to any who are lucky enough to wander far enough to cross his path.

5-10 Minutes: He’s now way out in the desert wearing a handkerchief because he is about to either be teargassed at the G8 demos or rob a bank in the 1930s. He recruits two young ladies into his black bloc or bank-robbing gang or whatever the fuck. We now learn his name is Aaron, and he will now initiate them.

11-15 Minutes: Aaron makes the women leap from the lion’s head to prove their worth. But it turns out it was all just an illusion of forced perspective and they land safely into an underground lake. It looks like hanging out in the middle of a desert is a great way to meet women.  They ask him to come to a party where they will all get drunk and then drive around in the Mystery Machine and solve crimes. Aaron goes off on his own, searching for ghost pirate treasure.

“It’s time for a little self-mutilation, Scoob!”

16-75 Minutes: A rock pwns Aaron, and now he’s stuck in some crevice. He can’t get out. His arm is stuck. Even the power of positive thinking cannot move the rock which is crushing his arm. So he decides to make YouTube videos, asking for help. When he only gets stupid comments from n00bs in return, he starts making videos of his own paranoid rants and racist remarks. They do phenomenally well (3.6 million views within 126 hours), but still don’t result in any rescue efforts.

76-84 Minutes: Aaron eventually runs out of deities to pray to for help, so he invents one that eats human arms in exchange for a Mercy Helicopter drop in the desert on demand. After the sacrifice, Aaron climbs back up the crevice like it ain’t no thang and looks around for his new god’s promised medical response.

85-89 Minutes: On his way out, Aaron meets some people who were just in the neighborhood to see if they could survive in a very narrow rock formation for 128 hours, which is the sort of thing that happens in this area often. They try to convince him to give them his other arm. “It’d be more symmetrical,” they explained. “Come on, be cool.” Aaron refuses because he’s a whiny little bitch. Balrog delivers the helicopter, but it takes him to Oprah instead of a hospital, where he’s cured with Reiki by Dr. Oz. Other reporters rightfully make fun of his lack of two full arms and call him “Stumpy the Gimp.” THE END

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Black Swan

Each comment separated with asterisks indicates 1 minute of movie time.

*fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *oh yeah, treat those metatarsals* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *her mom just told her to take off her shirt in a creepy rapist way* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap*

Check out these similar reviews of Toy Story 3, Winter’s Bone, The Social NetworkThe Kids Are All Right, and Inception.

  • wozidagreat

    Dude, you totally forgot super psyco fantom Lesbian Love scene. *fap*

    • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

      IT TOTALLY REALLY HAPPENED THOUGH.

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