"Totally coup, yo."

The BEASTies, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Feb

05

by

Tom Hanks revives his role from Toy Story 3 as an al Qaeda terrorist. This time he’s bombing the World Trade Center on orders from Dick Cheney and Popular Mechanics magazine. On September 11, his son Oskar is let out of his Modrassa early so he can burn American flags and celebrate the beginning of the final battle between the followers of the Prophet Mohammed and the infidels. When he gets home, he listens to the messages on his answering machine from Tom Hanks (Peace and Blessings Be Upon His Name) which inform him that their mission was a success and that Allah is great.

Hanks had earlier sent his son on a wild goose chase to distract him from discovering his plans. Oskar soon discovers a hidden meaning to the “scavenger hunt.” See, it all began at a swing set. Oskar hated the swings because they represented the decadence and materialism of the West. But Tom Hanks wanted to teach Oskar that in order to defeat the godless Americans one must first infiltrate their wicked society, mostly by playing on a swing set.

Oskar becomes angry with his mother for not joining his father on the suicide mission. She should have been used as body armor to protect him in case the passengers fought back following the hijacking according to Sharia Law. She agrees with Oskar’s logic but this only enrages him further. So he stones her to death.

A year later Oskar is just snooping around the house looking for a few live grenades to toss at some of the neighborhood Jewish kids. But instead he finds a key inside an envelope labeled “Black.” He realizes his dead father is trying to tell him that the “key” to all his problems is to “curb-stomp” all the “Blacks” unless, of course, they repent and vow to join Oskar’s righteous jihad immediately.

The NYPD quickly notice a pattern of curb-stompings throughout the Bronx and get close to apprehending Oskar before he kills again. Meanwhile Oskar teams up with a former Nazi prison guard who teaches him how to continue his spree of hate crimes while avoiding prosecution. He also tells Oskar to go back and look up Abby, who he mercifully let go early on because she begged Oskar for her life.

Abby’s husband is this dude who has been looking for that key Oskar had because it is the only thing that will fix his broken-down sex robot from that other movie I already did. We are now in danger of entering a Möbius Strip of inexplicably critically-acclaimed movies. Fortunately Oskar and the husband start the robot up without any Scorsese interference. This enrages Oskar because he was hoping to wedge his way into a part of a Spider-like character in Goodfellas II. The movie ends with Oskar standing in front of the old swing set picking out children for his new sleeper cell which his father inspired him to make.

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Check out similar reviews for Hugo, The Artist, The Descendants, The Help, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, The Tree of Life, and War Horse.

Or check out last year’s BEASTies: Toy Story 3,  Winter’s BoneThe Social NetworkThe Kids Are All RightInception127 Hours / Black SwanTrue GritThe King’s Speech, and The Fighter.

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