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The Beasties: Inception

Feb

13

by

Timestamped review of the Best Picture-nominated film about the best way to break up a monopoly or dreams or whatever the fuck.

First 10 Minutes: Cobb is talking about memes and how people can take credit for someone else’s memes on Reddit in order to acquire karma. But there is a way to protect yourself, and that is why he is going door to door selling his virus protection software to a Japanese guy in a room with way too many lights.

OMG it was all just a dream! Well, that wasn’t too bad. Concise, at least. Oh shit, nevermind it’s going to keep going. Natasha from the Bullwinkle cartoons shows up and hits on Cobb since she is undergoing a trial separation from Boris Badenov. Then¬†Leonardo DiCaprio went on a killing spree on set. Security stopped him while the producers all slowly turn around in their swivel-chairs doing slow clap. Oh wait, nevermind guys! This is all really just the movie… inside a dream. I think. The cast starts shooting stunt doubles just to prove it and this gives Cobb night terrors.

11-20 Minutes: Everyone wakes up and there’s a riot because they are outraged that Christopher Nolan did not get nominated for Best Director. But that doesn’t matter because it was all another dream, if you didn’t see that coming.¬†It turns out Cobb and his friends are corporate spies who get all up in ur sleep, stealin ur memez. That is what happens when indie dream spies sell out to The Man. I remember back when they used to play at Showplace and this one time Critter got so drunk he threw up all over the mosh pit. It was so gross, but everyone understood because those were crazy times, man!

Cobb’s old squat, from before he went mainstream

The guy from Brick hangs out with Cobb in Japan and they’re approached by the Japanese guy they were trying to rob earlier who does slow clap again. He wants to hire them to do a forced meme, aka Inception. He cannot get this procedure done in the US because the gubberment death panels will not ration out that kind of treatment under Nobamacare.
***

21-28 Minutes: Cobb goes to visit Alfred Pennyworth, who has been using a fake identity to pose as a university professor in France ever since the death of Bruce Wayne. So he gives Cobb a university student named Ariadne to do an unpaid internship designing mazes to use on the menus of his family restaurant chain. Cobb takes her to one of them and tries to sell her on his 11 step program on how to unlock the full potential of the brain for just 3 easy payments of $95.99. But it was all just a dream… *sigh* Again…

29-39 Minutes: Ariadne shows off her design skills and Cobb decides that she will make excellent children’s placemats. Nolan uses all the cool special effects he couldn’t afford in Following. Their acid trip goes bad and Natasha returns to stab Ariadne in the stomach for an impromptu wall slinky. This disturbs her for some reason so she bolts.

Cobb hits up a Kenyan casino to try to recruit another actor for the movie. But bad guys are following him, so Cobb runs away and tries to hide out in a cafe like Indiana Jones did in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The chase scene causes lots of property damage and terrifies countless innocent civilians, but that’s OK because a main character escaped with the newly hired actor AND Barack Hussein Obama’s real birth certificate.

40-50 Minutes: Ariadne comes back and the guy from Brick shows her some MC Escher paintings. Cobb needs another actor to play the role of the chemist who makes their LSD, so he recruits this guy running an opium den. Saito, Cobb’s client, makes a speech about how his energy company is ideologically opposed to monopolization of the energy market as long as the company holding the monopoly isn’t his. So Cobb has to force a self-destructive meme into Saito’s enemy’s (played by The Scarecrow) dome-piece. It’s too bad they didn’t consider lobbying for anti-trust legislation, because that would make this movie or dream or whatever it is superfluous.

Cobb and Ariadne talk about his obsession with the wife he had to kill and how it will inevitably fuck up everything, but they decide against taking any real precautions whatsoever for the sake of suspense. See, they know it’s all just a movie. Inception is very meta that way.

51-60 Minutes: Cobb’s team decides to force the whole business-killing meme with a really catchy pop-punk concept album. They jam until they come up with something which will affect The Scarecrow on multiple levels, and then they will leave the music industry with a “kick,” which is just what the kids are calling it these days.

Ariadne is a voyeur and goes to fap while watching Cobb make out with his dead wife in a dream. She’s locked in some kind of S&M dungeon, which is why she sometimes gets all stabby.

61-69 Minutes: The gang catch a plane with The Scarecrow and drug him so they can see if he pisses his pants when they put his hand in lukewarm water. He does, and it’s hilarious. Many lulz ensue as they enter into the Matrix – I mean dream world.

Everyone’s pretty much immediately attacked by some dudes who are all like, “Hey! GTFO our dreams!” Saito gets clipped and it turns out that if any of them die in the dream they’ll go to Purgatory with nothing but aborted fetuses to keep them company. They’re all Catholics all of a sudden, I guess.

70-85 Minutes: They all interrogate Scarecrow and his buddy in compliance with the Geneva Conventions by playing their pop-punk album at them while they’re chained to a radiator. Cobb talks about his acid experiences with Natasha. Apparently one day she freaked out, thought she could fly, and jumped off a building in order to become a statistic used by the ONDCP. Cut back to the interrogation with gun fights and car chases and yet another dream…

86-97 Minutes: Cobb does a scene with Scarecrow in order to proliferate memes, which is kind of the main purpose of this movie. He also pretends to be Scarecrow’s anti-spyware software, pulling on his experience earlier selling it door to door. Then they both do a dine-n-dash from the hotel bar.

Cobb turns Scarecrow against his godfather who he’s known all his life just from a few lines of dialogue all while he’s dreamin’ in his dream so he can dream while he dreams. This is like beating the mini-boss at the end of a board in video games, so they move on to the next level which takes place in a forced labor camp in Siberia.

98-114 Minutes: Back in the hotel, Christopher Nolan is going mad with power from the success of The Dark Knight and changes the laws of physics. He blames it all on the scene from earlier where they’re all taking a leisurely Sunday afternoon drive through the park, but that is a “false flag.” This scene is an “inside job!” WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!!!!

Back in Siberia, everyone starts playing Call of Duty: Black Ops. But it’s one of those levels where you have to finish it within a certain amount of time and you never make it on the first try.

115-123 Minutes: As usual, they all fail to meet the time requirement for this level, so Ariadne plugs in a cheat code so they all go into God Mode, which is where Cobb plays Second Life when he’s feeling lonely and depressed. But Natasha shows up spouting some Post-Modernist bullshit about how there are multiple realities and it all just comes down to the subjective experience of the observer as she thinks it’s proved due to the double-slit experiment and quantum mechanics. She has been reading a lot of Deepak Chopra in this particular dream world.

The guy from Brick in the hotel and the others in Siberia continue playing video games.

124-132 Minutes: Cobb tells Natasha about how he totally punk’d her into committing suicide that one time and she STILL wants them to “be together.” It’s getting a little desperate and pathetic at this point, Natasha! Just get back to being a subconscious projection and plot device, please. Cobb verbally bitchslaps her and then Ariadne shoots her, because she’s fake and has no soul. Also, probably a witch.

Scarecrow finally gets around to stealing his dying father’s will in Siberia, and then the gang pwns him by blowing up his hospital. Soon everyone will be leaving The Matrix — I mean, the dream world, and back to reality.

133-140 Minutes: The meme worked. Scarecrow will destroy his father’s business with his anger. Cobb stayed in God Mode but accidentally hit restart and now must live through this whole movie again because it’s a recursive meme. That means that every time you watch this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio’s role is actually played by him each time and not just recorded. He has a terrible agent who signed a nightmarish contract. Cobb goes back to his maybe-home to frighten his maybe-children with his very real arrest warrant for murder. CREDITS.

Check out these similar reviews of Toy Story 3, Winter’s Bone, The Social Network and The Kids Are All Right.

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