"Totally coup, yo."

The BEASTies: Midnight in Paris

Feb

10

by

0-10:00 Johnny and Jane America have tagged along with Jane’s parents to Paris. They hate each other and are probably only engaged to spite each other. Jane meets up with some of her friends and they all go out of town together so they can throw rocks at Johnny while yelling homophobic slurs at him for being a sissy boy who enjoys France, rain, and other gay stuff like that.

10:00-20:00 Johnny starts drinking wine straight from the bottle to kill the pain of the savage beating he just took. The other couple take Jane out for a night of being rich snobs while Johnny does that condescending “slumming” thing rich snobs do when they’re not quite as much of an asshole as the rest of the 1%. He gets lost and just as he’s resigned himself to forget about his fiance and live as a hobo on the streets of Paris, Doc Brown shows up in his DeLorean DMC-12. They both go hang out at a speakeasy in the 1920s, mostly because it’s Prohibition and Fuck The Law. Then they remember that was only in America.

20:00-30:00 Johnny and Doc Brown go on a magical adventure of wonder and excitement but only the band geeks who read the actual books in high school English class instead of the Cliff’s Notes will get that. To everyone else it just looks like people standing around and talking and drinking, which is what it is. Doc Brown is all like, “Great Scott!” like how he does whenever he travels through time (which is all the time) and then that guy who wrote the Gatsby book shows up on cue. But then Doc Brown has to take Johnny USA back to his own time where he tries to get his fiance to sign up for a wet t-shirt contest.

30:00-40:00 Johnny tries to take Jane on one of his adventures but she’s already taken way too much LSD this week and the tabs have no effect on her. So Michael J Fox shows up in a horse-drawn carriage which is VERY shaky on the brick roads. They hang out with Bob Ross and talk about fucking. Then Woody Allen’s French daughter Adriana shows up, which is the hidden motivation for this movie.

40:00-50:00 Johnny drives back to 2010 with Michael J Fox in the DeLorean. It’s late at night but he can’t sleep because Woody Allen is hiding in his hotel room, forcing him to do exposition to nobody in particular without waking Jane up. The next day he and Jane and her friends all get baked and look at YouTube videos and Johnny impresses everyone with his knowledge of Back to the Future trivia. It’s cool, but not quite cool enough; so he goes back to his fantasyworld for a kegger.

50:00-60:00 The night ends with Johnny smoking crack behind a Jim’s Steak-Out with a bunch of surrealists, which is just like how shit goes down here in Buffalo, NY. Anyway, this leads him to totally, like, re-think his life and maybe just leave his woman and, like, you know, just hang. Jane’s father suspects he might be going to anarchist meetings at night so he hires a Pinkerton to keep tabs on him.

60:00-70:00 Johnny finds Adriana’s LiveJournal, but it’s marked private so he uses a sock puppet account to get an invite from her. He starts fapping to it but then the future in-laws come in and bust him. Then he starts questioning their vocabulary, specifically if they understand words like “knocking” and “privacy.” He leaves in a huff, rolling a pack of cigarettes on his t-shirt sleeve on the way out, saying that he’s going to the park to think about stuff.

70:00-80:00 Now would be a good time to mention that throughout all this time in the 1920s, George Orwell has been puking in an alleyway, pausing only to sleep and to bitch about how he’s running out of cigarettes. I need to point this out because it seems like Woody Allen doesn’t understand that poor people existed back then. Anyway, the movie gets all meta here and they time travel during their time travel so they can mope about how the 1890s totally sucked balls with Edgar Degas.

80:00-90:00 Johnny learns that living in the present is the most powerful time travel of all. Also that he’d be much happier with Doc Brown. So he leaves the fiance and meets up with him so they can take the DeLorean to different times to solve mysteries and have adventures.

*

Check out similar reviews for Hugo, The Artist, The Descendants, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, The Help, Moneyball, The Tree of Life, and War Horse.

Or check out last year’s BEASTies: Toy Story 3,  Winter’s BoneThe Social NetworkThe Kids Are All RightInception127 Hours / Black SwanTrue GritThe King’s Speech, and The Fighter.

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