"Totally coup, yo."

The BEASTies: Moneyball

Feb

26

by

“We’ll talk later, my agent is on the other line for a role in a movie that hasn’t been made 135,000 times before.”

0-15:00 That guy from that French movie is in charge of a fantasy baseball team and he gets kicked out of the stadium for his “team” because it’s closed. Also, he’s drinking absinthe straight from the bottle and has puked over most of row D-23. After bailing him out, his buddy has an intervention and asks him if he wants to try managing his baseball team or something to help get his mind of drinking in empty stadiums by himself at night all the time. When he gets there he learns The Establishment of Baseball doesn’t care about whether or not the players can actually play baseball. They decide who gets on their team based solely on their blood types and astrological signs.

15:00-30:00 Billy goes to Cleveland to try to trade some humans for his basesballs team. But all he comes back with is the kid from Superbad and one of those steamers for which that city is so well known.The new guy is Peter. Peter says he believes he can re-make the Bad News Bears, Mighty Ducks, Rocky, etc… with actors pretending to be baseball players for cheap because everyone else in the industry thinks they are super bad.

30:00-45:00 Billy and Pete storm into the meeting of The Baseball Establishment and are all like, “We’re gonna use evidence-based methods of winning baseball to get the guy to hit the thing with the thing and run to the things,” and the old guys are all like, “You can’t do that! It will upset our order! It’ll never work! You’re crazy! And I’ll have a tag on my toe before I let a Scorpio with Type B blood in my dugout! They’re suspicious and manipulative!” So Pete’s all like, “U MAD?” Then Billy goes to his ex-wife’s place and trolls her new boyfriend.

45:00-60:00 We get some Billy backstory and it turns out he started being a drunken vagrant in the baseball stadium because he once had a fantasy baseball team of his own and lost his life savings. John Boehner shows up and starts talking about how he has women’s intuition and other magical powers which must not be questioned. Then it’s spring training time. The team looks super bad. There are paraplegics, smoking chimpanzees, and Capricorns out there. This ragtag team of losers will never win! They should just give up!

Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) doesn’t know what he’s doing.

60:00-75:00 Billy and Pete do some Live Action Role Playing where Pete is the Wizard of Endor who has to explain to the Elf King Tsamus that he can no longer stay in the Magical Forest because it is a property of Major League Baseball and he does not have written consent to stay there. It goes well and they make plans to play Dungeons and Dragons next week. Billy will bring the graph paper and Pete will bring potato chips. Then Coach Truman Capote breaks up the party in cold blood and is all like, “What are you guys doing? NERDS! You can’t lose with this team of misfit losers!”

75:00-90:00 Billy throws some furniture around but later feels super bad about it.So he makes his big inspirational Gibber-or-whatever speech. But everyone heckles him, telling him that he’s not funny and to go back to doing tax preparation for H&R Block, that sort of thing. Still the team gets better as they always do in this part of a sports movie. They’re so good that some homeless people outside the stadium do a double take, look at the bottles they’ve been drinking, and toss them aside. The fans who once mocked them for losing are lynched by the new fair-weather fans who never cared about baseball until their team started winning. Things are looking up.

90:00-105:00 There is a montage of media reports speculating that the baseball team’s management has been using witchcraft to help them win. And if they have, should the entire team be burned at the stake as punishment? And if so, should other players be brought in to replace them, or would the witch’s curse carry over to them as well? These are the questions plaguing the sports journalists of the era.

105:00-120:00 Charlie Sheen shows up wearing his hipster glasses to fight the Russian guy who must break him, but it turns out Kevin Costner has this stadium booked for a funeral for his imaginary friends.

120:00-135:00 Pete shows Billy his YouTube account before he leaves to go work with the Irish mob in Boston. And Billy’s all like, “Yeah, I know. I’m the one who’s been leaving all those comments on all your videos comparing you to Hitler.” Then he actually says LOL, as in letter by letter, and with a completely straight face. Pete is emotionally distraught and the movie ends with Billy laughing at his estranged family because he’s way rich now.

*

Check out similar reviews for Hugo, The Artist, The Descendants, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, The Help, Midnight in Paris, The Tree of Life, and War Horse.

Or check out last year’s BEASTies: Toy Story 3,  Winter’s BoneThe Social NetworkThe Kids Are All RightInception127 Hours / Black SwanTrue GritThe King’s Speech, and The Fighter.

Follow me on Twitter

  • Archives