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The BEASTies: The Artist




Well it’s definitely refreshing to have gotten Hugo out of the way. I really hate how self-indulgent filmmakers can get when it comes to making movies about movies. It’s as if they’re trying to show us ignorant plebs how special they are in how they perceive their own work and how we’re all doing it wrong.

But that’s all behind us now. Next is a movie called The Artist, and it’s probably about a non-filmmaker artist. I’m sure the Academy is not so far up their own asses to nominate two movies about movies. If they did that, they might as well all just line up in front of a mirror and start fapping to themselves. Right?

“Have you heard the Good News about Quetzalcoatl?”

0-10:00 OK so it’s not just a movie about a movie, it’s a silent movie about a silent movie. Because yo dawg I herd Xhibit likes silent movies. It opens at a film premiere, and the movie on screen is about a guy in an S&M mask kidnapping a woman to fly her to Tblisi. A huge scandal erupts afterwards when a different lady named Peppy bumps into the director (George). So not only is this another self-indulgent movie, it’s written by Puritans. French Puritans. Those are the worst Puritans, really.

10:00-30:00 TMZ’s video of the encounter last night goes viral and various Muslim groups issue a fatwa against Peppy. This might give her the attention she needs to work her way out of the “adult entertainment” industry. She gets a part as an extra in a commercial for anti-depression medication where she plays the suicide victim who could have been saved. Big Dan T shows up on set to sell everyone Bibles. George declines because he is a devout Laveyian Satanist. Peppy gradually becomes a big star in the movies and everyone in the audiences is all like this because they’re idiots:

30:00-50:00 Big Dan T has invented “talkies” in his garage while on Disability and George scoffs. He plays it off like he thinks sound in movies is a fad, but deep down he’s ashamed that everyone will learn about his lisp he’s had since his stroke last year. He takes LSD to try to deal with it but has a bad trip. He’s fired for spraypainting C.R.E.A.M. all over the studio’s offices while he was bugging out. C.R.E.A.M. of course stands for Cinema Rules Everything Around Me. Peppy becomes a big star without George with her own Tumblr fan pages and everything.

50:00-70:00 George slips further and further into madness and starts seeing tiny people shooting miniature rifles at him wherever he goes. But then again who doesn’t? I mean that’s normal, right? Whatever, we’ll just wait for the titular artist to show up in this movie.

70:00-95:00 George realizes all his movies kind of sucked anyway so he burns them. Also he saw it in Inglorious Basterds and thought it looked really cool. Peppy heard about how awesome his fire was and offers him a minor role in a commercial for her newest clothing line at Wal Mart. If it sells well, she’ll generously grant her Cambodian sweatshop laborer a 3 center per week raise. George declines, preferring to enjoy his late-stage dementia alone in his apartment where he imagines people showing him their teeth. It’s horrifying.

It gets so bad for George that he’s contemplating suicide. Peppy is rushing to his apartment to remind him to take the safety off first so he doesn’t have to go through it twice. She shows up and startles him so badly that he accidentally shoots the orchestra instead of himself, which is gonna kill off the profits for this film due to the insurance costs. The two make new careers out of barging into corporate offices to do some stupid dance for CEOs.


Check out similar reviews for Hugo, The Descendants, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, The Help, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, The Tree of Life, and War Horse.

Or check out last year’s BEASTies: Toy Story 3,  Winter’s BoneThe Social NetworkThe Kids Are All RightInception127 Hours / Black SwanTrue GritThe King’s Speech, and The Fighter.

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