"Totally coup, yo."

The BEASTies: The Descendants

Feb

01

by

I really mean it this time, I am relieved to have those first two self-indulgent pieces of crap out of the way. Now I can actually enjoy one of these movies since it’s clearly a documentary about an old school West Coast punk band I’ve had the pleasure of seeing live a few times back in the day.

*

“There’s actually a better movie playing at the cheap place across the street.”

0-15:00 George Clooney has some First World Problems. He almost killed his wife during a fit of rage when he wasn’t nominated the Sexiest Man Alive by Something Something Magazine. Now he has to find a way to explain to her family that he plans on killing her R.R, McMurphy-style in the hospital while at the same time selling his family’s land to some computer nerd. His family’s land is on an ancient Injun burial ground and is therefore probably haunted by g-g-ghosts.

15:00-30:00 Clooney and his daughter plot to kidnap his other daughter and sell her organs on the black market. But it turns out that none of them are useful due to her rampant alcoholism. So Clooney uses her as backup in case any of his wife’s family members put up a fight when he tells them he plans on smothering her in the hospital.

I found this during my routine Google images search for “sexy pillow smother.”

30:00-45:00 The first relative they visit is Mr. T. He explains to Clooney that while he is making appointments for new clints, he regrets to inform him that he ain’t got time for “jibber jabber” as “Living Wills” and other such nonsense. Then he denigrates the Korean people for no apparent reason. The daughter-father team start stalking the living corpse-wife’s lover with the help of an astrophysicist/surfer teen named Sid.

45:00-60:00 The family has a pagan pre-euthanasia ritual based on the Hawaiian tribal religions of their ancestors. As a token of their appreciation, the pagan gods deliver the man they have been hunting for all this time. To celebrate, Clooney tells every Hawaiian on every island that he will kill his gimped-out coma-wife. “MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH HER NOW, FOR AT SUNRISE I WILL STRANGLE THE LIFE OUT OF HER!” Clooney screams to the crowd in a triumphant roar while spitting blood and bits of flesh with each syllable. Then the movie takes a short break for a real estate commercial.

George Clooney stars in The Descendants

60:00-80:00 The real estate commercials goes on for a while, then Team Clooney starts using enhanced interrogation techniques to find their target.

80:00-105:00 Clooney IRL trolls the guy his wife had an affair with instead of killing him. Then everyone Clooney ever met shows up to have a party to celebrate how they’re selling off the indigenous land to the paleface adulterer dude. A missionary shows up as the wife’s dying and converts the coma-lady to Mormonism.

105:00-115:00 Surprise, surprise – the brain-damaged wife from Where the Red Fern Grows dies in the end. Betcha didn’t see that coming. Me, I thought she was going to spring up to her feet at the end and start her vaudeville singing-and-dancing act. Instead, Clooney just feasts on her organs. Even the tension of who the family would sell their property to (and that’s quite some tension) is sucked out of the film since Clooney made that speech about not selling property to honor his ancestor-spirits.

“BRAINS!”

*

Check out similar reviews for Hugo, The Artist, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, The Help, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, The Tree of Life, and War Horse.

Or check out last year’s BEASTies: Toy Story 3,  Winter’s BoneThe Social NetworkThe Kids Are All RightInception127 Hours / Black SwanTrue GritThe King’s Speech, and The Fighter.

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