"Totally coup, yo."

The Beasties: The Fighter

Feb

22

by

Timestamped reviews of Oscar-nominated films — the penultimate edition.

***
First 2 Minutes: Christian Bale is high on crack, because it’s 1993 and meth isn’t awesome yet, and being interviewed about what a dick he is. He’s affecting a Southie accent and berating the crew about how they got in his line of sight. His brother Marky Mark sits down next to him and feels the vibrations. They watch home movies in their minds. These words appear on the screen: “Based on a true story, which makes white people feel like they can succeed at sports.”

Marky Mark in The Fighter:

2 – 5:30 Minutes: Marky Mark is raking some asphalt and Bale, who plays his brother Don Wahlberg, explains that the movie is an HBO documentary about his NKOTB comeback. The film crew follows them through the mean streets of Montage, Mass. Marky Mark takes off his shirt; he’s shirtless for the remainder of the film.

5:30 – 11:30 Minutes: Marky Mark is training at the gym, but Bale’s character “Dicky” is AWOL. Their mom shows up and makes the movie flashback to when Dicky knocked down Appolo Creed Sugar Ray Leonard. Dicky’s smoking crack. He runs to the gym so they can do a training montage to rockin’ music. You can tell Dicky really wants more crack.

11:30 -17 Minutes: The documentary crew is hanging out with some bleach-blonde, wall-haired, white-trash hags and the brothers at some shit-hole bar. It’s revealed that the hags are, in fact, “The Funky Bunch.” Marky Mark stares creepily at some bartender named Yoko McLoveInterest and asks her if she wants to feel the vibrations. He implores her, “Feel it! Feel it!” Someone “disrespects” McLoveInterest, so Marky Mark beats him unconscious with a board, calls him a “Vietnam fucking shit,” and rips out his eye with a metal hook. He explains that he’s fighting a Black Jew, and he hates Black Jews, and that he wants to hurl racial epithets and rocks at him. And then he’s all like, “Feel it! Feel it! Come on! Come on!” She eventually feels the vibrations.

17 – 24 Minutes: Marky Mark shows up at his ex-wife’s place and sets up his daughter for a lifetime of daddy issues. Then Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch are looking for Bale because he’s late for the fight. Bale jumps out of the crack-house window and discovers he can fly because of all the crack. He flies to Vegas or Atlantic City or someplace people pummel each other for money. Marky Mark’s competitor, the Black Jew, bows out because of flu, so he has to fight a bigger guy who “just got off the couch.” The bigger guy beats the shit out of Marky Mark; it’s the best part of the movie.

Rocky IV in The Fighter
Rocky IV in The Fighter

24-30 Minutes: Dicky hunts down Sugar Ray Leonard in the hotel lobby and offers to suck his dick for crack. Another trainer/manager tries to usurp Dicky. And then some other stuff.
***

30-35:30 Minutes: McLoveinterest fixes Marky Mark’s bandages and they feel the vibrations. They go out on a date in a rich neighborhood, so you can tell how low class they are.

35:30-43 Minutes: Marky Mark’s mom and The Funky Bunch, who seem to multiply by the scene, start talking trash about Yoko McLoveinterest. The mom goes to Dicky’s crack-house and he flies out of the window again. He swoops down, grabs her, and then they sing a touching rendition of “Good Vibrations” on the moon. When she gets back home, Marky Mark and McLoveinterest are there talking to the Funky Bunch. Marky Mark says he want to go to Vegas, but Dicky says he’ll find the money to pay him to train at home.

43-45:30 Minutes: Dicky tries to start a pyramid scheme at the crack-house, but no one buys in. The documentary crew is hanging out and Dicky’s Asian crack-whore asks what the documentary is about. It’s not about his NKOTB comeback; it’s about crack. Dicky smokes crack. No one is feeling the vibrations.

dasdsadassadsa

Marky Mark didn’t make this stupid face the whole movie!

45:30-49:30 Minutes: Led Zepplin plays while shots of Dicky and his Asian crack-whore rolling Johns and running from cops is cut with shots of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch eating dinner. The cops beat the shit out of Dicky and Jon Bonham chokes on his own vomit. Marky Marks runs to Dicky’s defense and a cop breaks his hand. You expect the broken hand to be important later, but he just fixes it by dipping it in magic Irish sawdust or something.
***

49:30-61 Minutes: Dicky is found guilty of not Feeling The Vibrations. The Funky Bunch files an amicus brief. But the judge is all, “Come on! Feel it!” Mcloveinterest dumps Marky Mark. Dicky goes through withdrawal in jail and watches more home movies in his mind. The family watches the documentary in different places. And you’re supposed to be touched or something, but mostly all you can hear in your head is “Feel the vibrations! Feel it! Feel it!” McLoveinterest shows up at Marky Mark’s house and gives him a pity hump.

61-70 Minutes: Marky Mark wakes up to begin another training montage. His dad sets him up with a “legitimate business man” and Marky Mark’s mom and the Funky Bunch freak out and drive to McLoveinterest’s house to kick her ass, but Yoko snaps all their necks and drinks their blood.

70-75 Minutes: Marky Mark has another fight against a black guy and wins. White people feel the good vibrations and Aerosmith’s “Back in the Saddle” plays to make them feel even better. Fighting montage. Marky Mark keeps winning. Dicky’s running in prison. Marky Mark visits him; they fail to feel the vibrations.

75 -82 Minutes: Marky Mark has a big fight against a Mexican. He’s getting his ass kicked. And then, out of nowhere,  Rocky Marky Mark knocks him out. White people everywhere feel the vibrations. And Marky Mark gets a title shot, which you already know because you went to Wikipedia and looked up the true story on which the movie is based.

82-92 Minutes: Dicky gets out of prison and goes to the gym with the reanimated Funky Bunch, but Marky Mark won’t let them feel the vibrations. Then he does and McLoveinterest and his new trainer walk out. Dicky goes to the crack-house.

92-98 Minutes: But he doesn’t smoke crack; he goes to McLoveinterest’s house to drag the film out and make you mad.

98-110 Minutes: Dicky and Marky Mark do yet another training montage (!!!!!) and then go to the title fight. It’s against a white guy, so no one really loses, though he’s a European elitist who deserves a beating. Marky Mark’s going to lose. And then, out of nowhere, Rocky Hulk Hogan Marky Marks wins. White people everywhere feel the vibrations.

110 – Sometime Minutes: Dicky and Marky Mark are on the interviewing couch from the beginning and then they do that thing where they tell you what everyone’s doing now. CREDITS/footage of the real Marky Mark and Dicky. White  people applaud. CREDITS.
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Check out these similar reviews of Toy Story 3, Winter’s Bone, The Social NetworkThe Kids Are All Right, Inception, The 127 Hours/Black Swan and True Grit.

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