"Totally coup, yo."

The BEASTies: The Help

Feb

07

by

*

0-20:00 This movie is set in a commune of Ron Paul supporters who like to bus in African-American women from the movie Gone With the Wind to show them what it’s like to have liberty and stuff. Aibileen and Minny are two of them. Skeeter is a blogger and has a quota of 15 posts per day, not including LOLcats. This is very difficult to do without any internet, so she gets her white supremacist friends to loan her their slaves to sub-contract out her blogging “work.” We also meet a woman named Celia  who is ostracized because she is too naive to be racist, and Hilly the former Nazi prison guard.

20:00-40:00 Skeeter’s mom, oblivious to the meaning of her daughter’s nickname, asks her if she’s a lesbian and tells her about the It Gets Better Project. Skeeter gets even more upset when she learns her parents sold the black lady she used to own while she was away at college. To make her feel better, she bosses some cleaning ladies around to write blog posts for her. She sells a series they’re working on to Ariana Huffington, to be printed under Skeeter’s byline. Hilly spies on Minny in the bathroom. When Minny catches her fapping, Hilly fires her out of embarrassment.

Chinese laborers, seen here making the laptops Skeeter’s unpaid bloggers use to write about their horrible working conditions.

40:00-60:00 Minny gets a job with Celia and immediately takes over her house. Like Skeeter, Celia wants to take credit for the work black ladies do for her. Celia’s husband doesn’t know about her and she’ll get paid in iTunes gift cards so there’s no paper trail. Meanwhile, Hilly chastises Skeeter for failing to print her latest racial tirade in the local Ron Paul Newsletter. Minny walks in on Aibileen writing some incendiary blog posts about how maybe we’d all be better off if we just killed all the white man and decides she wants in on this too. They start a podcast where they talk about cleaning houses, girl stuff, and you know, like, whatever.

60:00-80:00 Huffington tells Skeeter she needs more bloggers working for her for free or else no more Whole Foods gift certificates for her. Skeeter finally does some writing of her own for us here at The BEAST where she encourages everyone to throw flaming bags of dogshit on Hilly’s lawn. Her mother starts to suspect that she’s been conspiring with the gerrymandered Black Power congressional districts which surround the Libertarian commune they live in, so she beats her mercilessly.

Ron Paul is disappointed with the liberal agenda of early 1960s Jackson, MS

80:00-100:00 Aibeleen gets caught up in a race riot but it’s OK because the only injury she got was a scraped knee from when she inexplicably fell down. When Skeeter hears about it, she goes to a jam session with Phil Ochs where they write a song together because Skeeter does not understand irony. The song’s a big hit and it draws in more unpaid bloggers for Skeeter, most of whom will just make stuff up for the LOLz. Skeeter doesn’t mind since she gets paid by the pageview and has access to Huffington’s team of lawyers anyways.

Celia goes to crash a party with the local women’s division of the KKK, but they ignore her. She now knows What It’s Like To Be Black. She grows her hair into dreadlocks, starts selling pot to the local college freshmen, and advises Minny to kill her abusive husband. Instead Minny just writes a story about how she made Hilly eat her shit, then shit out her shit, then eat her shit that she made out of her own shit.

100:00-120:00 The white people have an ugly sweater / ’80s party where they all pretend to appreciate classical music which is playing on National Public Radio. They talk about their overpriced liberal arts degrees and eat sushi. The party ends with a little yoga, and everyone double-checks to make sure they’ve all accepted each others’ friend requests on Facebook. The book Skeeter “wrote” sells well and she makes boatloads of cash. The women who actually wrote it made like $43 or something stupid like that.

120:00-146:00 Skeeter gets a job offer in New York City and asks her ghostwriters what they think of it. Aibileen is all like, “Oh don’t worry about us, we’re not gonna get lynched or anything. We’re cool. Just go on to New York City and leave us to deal with the bullshit you brought upon us.” Skeeter obliviously misses all the sarcasm in her comments and takes it as genuine advice. Aibileen gets fired for failing to tithe 10% of her wages to Ron Paul 2012. The movie ends with her walking down the sidewalk, probably to hang out at the nearest Victory Mosque.

*

Check out similar reviews for Hugo, The Artist, The Descendants, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, The Tree of Life, and War Horse.

Or check out last year’s BEASTies: Toy Story 3,  Winter’s BoneThe Social NetworkThe Kids Are All RightInception127 Hours / Black SwanTrue GritThe King’s Speech, and The Fighter.

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