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The BEASTIES: The Kids Are All Right




Timestamped review of the Best Picture-nominated film about a failed fascist uprising of California teenagers.

OK, I have no idea what this movie is about, but I am very optimistic going in because they spelled “All right” using two words instead of one, so I won’t have to throw fits of rage about a spelling pet peeve right away. Also maybe that means it’s a dystopian sci-fi flick where everyone under 18 is a fascist.

These kids are all wrong.

These kids are all wrong.

First 8 Minutes: So there’s this suburban family where the kids snort meth while coordinating the Blitzkreig and the parents are these nice lesbians. They watch porn.

9-17 Minutes: Joni tracks down her biological father in order to extract more of his DNA for use in the massive eugenics program she plans on implementing when she rises to power. “It was either him or Glenn Beck,” she explains. His name is Paul and he immediately agrees to collaborate with her without even thinking about it because he is perpetually stoned.

When they talk, Joni realizes that he might be brain-damaged from a stroke, so she warns her brother Laser of this before they meet with him. They go out for lunch and Paul impresses them both by starting a jukebox without a quarter just by hitting it with his fist on the side… and it’s not even plugged in!

18-28 Minutes: Laser’s parents try to force him to confess that he’s gay, but his fundamentalist mindset won’t allow him to deal with it. Instead he sells out Paul and the moms plan to interrogate him. When he arrives, he gives Laser a Christian side hug, which is a sign of their Order.

29-40 Minutes: Paul uses his ’50s greaser charm to recruit one of the moms to what he and the kids call “The Cause.” Jules will build a barbed wire fence around his property. This is the way children tend to run right-wing pyramid schemes – each new recruit will enslave their own recruits, who will in turn be pressured to recruit even more people until the whole world is directly under the rule of the “kids.”

41-47 Minutes: Now that Paul has separated Jules from her support structure, he realizes that she is susceptible to indoctrination. He tells her that he doesn’t agree with her lifestyle choices, but that together they can help her overcome her human urges (which are a result of The Fall) and have her sins forgiven by Jesus, the One True Lord and Savior Besides Gary Busey. Since Busey is not in this movie, Jules takes her chances with this Jesus guy and tries kissing a dude and reading James Dobson’s anti-gay literature. Paul is all like, “Whoa!”

48-58 Minutes: Jules sub-contracts her barbed wire fence work out to some random guy who doesn’t understand the political implications of what he’s getting into. That way her and Paul can bone while he labors. Then Laser wagers his leadership position in the neo-fascist pyramid scheme on a basketball game with Paul, who loses anyway so that scene is inconsequential.

59-66 Minutes: Everyone has dinner again for the fifth time today and Nic gets wasted and goes on an anti-hippy rant. At this point everyone in the family is united in their opposition to the rule of Nic and are being led by the charismatic leader Paul. Jules terminates her underling for looking at her the wrong way.

67-76 Minutes: Paul says he is falling in love with Jules even though she is a redhead with a lot of freckles and no soul. So he has to break up with his girlfriend, which is made all that much easier since she is not initiated. Everyone in the cult must separate all contact from the outside world under the rule of The Titular Kids.

Now Nic wants in on the cool kids’ group and tries out for a spot in the upper echelon by singing. Paul makes plans for everyone to move to Buenos Aires should things go badly for their side.

All hail Freyja!

77-82 Minutes: It turns out that Nic was just faking being nice so that she would be given a wide enough berth to snoop around Paul’s apartment in order to find incriminating evidence of wrongdoing. She finds it, and then starts having auditory hallucinations. Later she tells Jules that she knows what she’s up to and she tells the whole plan to Nic. Loose lips sink ships, Jules. All it takes is one blabblermouth and it blows everything.

83-90 Minutes: Paul suggests they move the entire operation to South America for Plan B, but nobody is really into it. It’s a good thing they didn’t too, because that might inject some excitement into this movie.

91-96 Minutes: Paul shows up again and apologizes for failing in his proselytizing. Nic tells him off by insulting him with a four-syllable word. Juli says that marriage is hard, and then breaks the fourth wall by staring at the camera and addressing the audience directly. She implores everyone to never get married because it sucks, which is all Dostoevsky’s fault. The rest of the family tells her that she’s not funny and to get off the stage.

97- Minutes: They all take off for Argentina in order to avoid being brought before an international tribunal. Joni is released at a college university and is now free to make boring movies of her own.

Check out these similar reviews of Toy Story 3, Winter’s Bone and The Social Network. More to come soon.


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