We’ve finally arrived at the end – the last movie nominated for Best Picture and therefore the Beasties. It is a film about how, in a world where most of the global population lived under a repressive colonial rule in abject poverty and with no hope for a sustainable future, one overpriveleged bratty monarch battled against all odds to overcome his slightly embarrassing speech impediment. So it’s a British movie, if you hadn’t put that together already. As if any other country in the world would find inspiration in a story like that.
I have composed a poem for the occasion of reviewing this movie. You may read it now:
In west Norfolk, York Cottage, born and raised,
On the polo field is where he spent most of his days,
Chilling out, maxing, inbreeding all cool and all,
Stammering through some speeches outside of the school,
When a couple of childhood illnesses who were up to no good,
Started making trouble in his thymus gland-hood,
He got in one little genu valgum condition and his great-grandmother Queen Victoria got scared,
She said, “You’re movin’ to third in line for the crown after I die from a cerebral hemorrhage in 1901.”
First 5 Minutes: The Duke of York is going on a freestyle rap competition broadcasted by the BBC. He’s very nervous and chokes. The crowd heckles him, shouting “You SUCK!” or “You stuttering FUCK!” or something like that. Then they start throwing beer bottles at him, so he pulls his hoodie up and runs backstage to cry.
6-8 Minutes: The Duke goes to an alt med practitioner who, before treating anyone, always likes to see how many goats’ testicles they can fit in their mouth. He tells his patients that this reveals how many chakras they have, but really he just does it for laughs. The Duke is embarrassed by how many he can fit in his mouth, so he leaves the quack’s office in much the same way he left the freestyle battle. More crying and zipping up of hoodie ensues.
9-12 Minutes: The Duke’s wife seeks out another quack. This one is eccentric and will therefore become a major character. The wife makes an appointment under the fake name her husband uses when he’s agreeing with himself on internet forums, but the quack figures out that she must be royalty when she demands that he make house calls, and that he crawl to their palace on all fours carrying a rabid Bonobo on his back. She hires him and agrees to pay in cash and in advance.
13-17 Minutes: The quack goes back to his homeschooled family and is all like “OMG OMG the Dutchess of York totally came to my office today and when she crossed her legs I got to see up her dress!” The family is unimpressed.
The Duke also goes back to his inbred homeschooled family and tells them that a stupid story about penguins. He can’t even do that without stuttering and his children heckle him mercilessly. The Duke curls up into the fetal position, crying. Since his daughters have been trained to see this as a sign of weakness, they start kicking him in the back and head. He will get his revenge by feeding them penguin meat for dinner tomorrow night. A typical evening for their household, really.
The quack tries out for a spot doing backing vocals for a major studio so he won’t have to hang out with stuttering losers anymore, but they turn him down for suffering from oldness.
18-29 Minutes: The Duke and the quack meet for the first time, and Dr. Lionel Logue starts by telling the Duke, “It’s not your fault,” over and over. It turns out that only Robin Williams can use that method effectively. Lionel was told not to sit too close because the wife noticed how he gets a little gropey. Lionel uses class warfare to knock Mister Dukey Fancypants off of his high horse and starts calling him Berty. “You’re lucky I’m not calling you Betty!” Lionel sneers after knocking the Duke to the floor with a pimp-slap.
Logue trolls the Duke throughout the first session until he leaves in a fit of rage. This is actually the historical origin of ragecomics, because with his stammer the Duke was only able to manage saying FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Before he leaves, Logue gives him a mixtape of songs which describe his feelings about the Duke.
30-34 Minutes:The King shows up, makes fun of the Duke’s stutter, and delivers the same anti-sex lecture he’s given every month since Albert was 12. Then he convinces him to get back into the rap game. The Duke listens to Logue’s mixtape and it inspires him to write some badass disses which he will use in the next freestyle battle.
35-38 Minutes: The Duke or Albert or Berty or whatever goes back to Logue to go through his intense training sessions to become a rap superstar. It’s part of Logan’s series of intense training programs for a path to financial independence for only 3 easy payments of $99.99. Get your official certification in such exciting fields as:
Being a stuttering King!
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Now it is time for an ’80s movie training montage. Eye of the Tiger plays while the Duke learns what’s really important about being a freestyle rapper. It’s not all about the money and the women and the ruthless suppression of foreigners with the world’s most powerful imperial military. It’s about soul, man.
39-45 Minutes: A Gubbermint death panel rules that the King shall have a forced lobotomy. This leaves him confused and demented, so the brothers cut the cord. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the older brother of the Duke showed up. He flew onto the set in the Wright Brothers’ plane. Anyway, the King dies.
46-55 Minutes: The Duke goes to visit Logue and tells him about how he and his brother euthanized their father with an icepick. Logue tells him that he will forgive him of his sins but only if he starts freestyle rapping RIGHT NOW. He refuses, but later starts up on his own after they both huff model plane glue from a plastic bag.
56-66 Minutes: Albert brings along the wife to his bro’s housewarming party. They speak at each other in English accents. The older one, the king, disses Albert badly in one of their freestyle rapping sessions. Albert goes back to Logue to talk about his feelings and other gay stuff like that. The King’s going to marry a divorced woman from Baltimore and this is apparently some kind of tragedy. Still, that sounds like a much more interesting story than a middle-aged man learning how to fucking speak.
Logue writes about the scoop on his Tumblr page and soon everyone’s Photoshopping the King into ironic and hilarious divorce-based pictures. The Prime Minister finds out 36 hours later when it’s finally reported on CNN and tells the King he does not want because the King marrying a divorced woman will make it much more difficult for the next PM to collaborate with the Nazis.
67-72 Minutes: The King abdicates his kingness to his brother in a radio address where he explains in explicit detail how awesome his new wife is at the sexytime. Many in the audience were disgusted by his frankness, and many more were disturbed by the several minutes he spent simply panting heavily into the microphone. Albert is the new King and calls himself George. Now everyone in r/worldpolitics knows that FutureKingG was a sock puppet account.
73-80 Minutes: Even though he’s now King of the Rap Game, George chokes again in his next freestyle battle. At least now he can use prior restraint to stop the BBC from broadcasting all of his failures. There is more crying. His wife cheers him up by telling him the story of how some pigs do a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay while others mooch off of the “dole.” This gives him the strength necessary to visit Logue again, who tells George he doesn’t have to be afraid of the dark anymore.
81-91 Minutes: Logue’s wife walks in right in the middle of the royal threesome, but they play it off as if they were just doing another speech lesson. Then they all go off together for another rap battle. King George will fake it till he makes it, or die tryin’, or keep on truckin’, or whatever the fuck those British people say.
Just before they open the doors to the gig, the King tells Logue that he knows that his only qualifications are from diploma mills and other fake online “universities.” Logue responds by pulling out a long list of testimonials from his many satisfied customers such as “Mike S.” and “Susan T.” This satisfies him.
92-109 Minutes: The royal family watches a bootlegged Hitler speech to warm up for the crowning ceremony. A couple of seconds later Britain is at war with Germany, and now the King must go on the radio to tell the Nazis to lick his balls. He keeps stammering throughout it but everyone just pretended it was dramatic effect even though deep down they really knew their king was a freak who can’t even talk.
110-1 Minutes: The speech, which was the hardest part of WWII, is now over. All that’s left is to send conscripted young men all over the world to die for their country. A firebombing here, a concentration camp there, that’s about all that’s left. THE END.