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The Beasties: The Social Network




Timestamped reviews of Oscar nominated films, so you can talk about them at parties without having to actually watch them.

Facebook is a social-networking website. You can sign up for it by logging into the world wide web and typing “http://www.facebook.com” into the address bar at the top. Remember, that’s facebook — all one word, all in lower-case letters. You will need a valid electronic mail “address” in order to create an “account,” which you can then use to stalk that girl who wouldn’t go to the dance with you in 8th grade because you were too “creepy” and “weird.” But now that you are a VERY SUCCESSFUL WRITER FOR THE INTERNET, she will doubtlessly throw herself at you and you can LAUGH and remind her of her cruelty as a 13 year old! It’s payback time! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wait, what is this? A movie review? Whatever. OK, so this movie is about The Facesbooks. What follows is everything you need to know about this completely factual documentary.

First 5 Minutes: Zuckerberg is drunk in a bar and in the middle of a cocaine-fueled, xenophobic, anti-Chinese rant with some random girl. She refuses to fuck him next to the dumpster outside because he is too big of a nerd, so he walks back to his dorm alone and blueball’d.

5-8 Minutes: The actors have all forgotten their lines, so they walk around the Harvard campus in complete silence. One of the grip people improvise on piano with Trent Reznor. Fincher decided to use this footage during the opening credits as a prank.

8-15 Minutes: Zuckerberg gets back to his dorm and immediately goes on Omegle.com to start trolling 12 year olds. After his 15th beer, he decides to graduate to fapping on Chatroulette while wearing a Pedobear mask. Everyone is impressed by his mad pwning skillz. This sequence is interspliced with shots of a Freemason’s party where all attendees are required to recite an incantation to Jahbulon before they are allowed to do a keg stand.

15-18 Minutes: The admin applies banhammer to Zuckerberg and his friends and then rounds him up for an IRL yelling session. That girl from “The Office” goes easy on him because she did well on Zuckerberg’s ripoff of hotornot.com.

18-24 Minutes: Introduce two stereotypical jocks who recruit Zuckerberg into their Secret Order. He swears a blood oath of loyalty to the Zacharias and Bradford von Preppytwin brothers.

25-33 Minutes: Zuckerberg decides to go undercover in the Secret Order in order to undermine it with the aid of his friend in a Jewish frat which is definitely not the Illuminati. They all listen to reggae and smoke weed together. This is all interspliced with some kind of legal proceedings where people in suits all poke Zuckerberg until he cries. Zacharias and Bradford has a sad about Zuckerberg ditching them all the time.

33-38 Minutes: The twins take out their frustration with Zuckerberg’s betrayal on their undergraduate sex slaves. Then marvel and thrill at the high-paced action of septegenerian attorneys sitting at a table with their clients taking a disposition. Zuckerberg decides that when he is a 33rd Degree Freemason, he will put signs on everyone which advertise their relationship status. But first he must launch Friendster, which he does.

39-44 Minutes: Twins realize that their Secret Order and all of their plans will be for naught. But they will not cut out Zuckerberg’s tongue, because he has already been initiated and that would displease their pagan gods. This is followed by more thrilling legal proceedings, which gives all of the paralegal clerks in the audience multiple orgasms.

45-50 Minutes: Bill Gates comes to Harvard to apologize for Windows Vista. Zuckerberg and his Illuminati partner pick up groupies and discuss how best to free the unwashed masses from the tyrannical power of the twins and their Secret Order. Ultimately they decide to do it by editing in a scene from the trailer at this point.

51-54 Minutes: Zuckerberg meets back up with the random girl at the bar from the beginning. He again asks for sex by the dumpster but she turns him down because he said mean things about her on the internet. In order to compensate for his shortcomings, he decides to expand the resistance to 3 chapters in Connecticut, New York, and California.

55-60 Minutes: The girl from “The Office”: “This must be hard” is what she said. Some other stuff happened, but I wasn’t really paying attention, something about Limewire.

61-66 Minutes: Twins meet with Larry Summers to try to convince him to let them get some of that TARP cash money. Summers refuses on the grounds that although they are big, they are not quite too big to fail. Then there are more legal proceedings. 97% of this movie has so far been made up of people sitting in chairs around a table in a room, talking. Truly this makes it worthy of 8 Oscar nominations.

67-71 Minutes: Mark and Eduardo meet up with the bass player from Metallica. This scene involves sitting around a table, but the talking is muted about by Trent Reznor’s jam sessions. Eventually the bassist shares his conspiracy theories about how the CIA is reading his mind and only his special aluminum foil hat can stop them.

72-76 Minutes: Back at the room with the table and the chairs and the talking, PETA accuses Eduardo of sacrificing chickens to his pagan gods and smearing an eerie logo which is the symbol of his order using their blood in the Harvard cafeteria.

77-84 Minutes: Next they hold some kind of hacking competition where the slowest worker is hanged and the fastest one is offered an exciting new life in forced labor. Everyone is very excited about this for some reason, so some of them move to California. Now instead of sitting around tables in brightly lit rooms, they are sitting around a table and talking at a rave party. They are going to start getting drunk, but then it cuts away because any fun in this movie would be too exciting and entertaining.

85-89 Minutes: The twins lose at some sport or something. They didn’t score enough points for their squadron to get the trophy. So in their rage they decide to disembowel Mark – legally, of course, by forcing him to sit in a chair around a table while talking. I’m at the edge of my seat nearly in a coma in anticipation of how this turns out!

90-102 Minutes: It looks like the Metallica bassist is replacing Eduardo, judging from the seating arrangements of the meetings, which are unbelievably still going on. Meanwhile, Eduardo’s girlfriend starts a fire and causes too much excitement, which means they will both be banished from the script.

103-115 Minutes: Eduardo starts yelling around a table instead of just talking which is a terrible breach of contract for this movie. He also moves things. Obviously, security is called to escort him off set. The meta part of this movie ends, and even more lawyering ensues. Movie ends with Mark trolling the random bar girl.

Check out Bunting’s totally accurate reviews of Winter’s Bone and Toy Story 3.


  • http://www.thefauxjournalist.com/ Henington

    as much as I hate facebook i was going to see this on dvd, but now i won’t. thanks for the review and long live Assange for man of the year

  • Linda

    Yes to Assange as MOTY, but don’t be discouraged by this spoof!

    I’ve seen it a few times because I’m a Aaron Sorkin devotee, and it is a bit more exciting and fast-paced than this review lets on – though some of this treatment should have been in the movie. Justin Timberlake and the cast is fun, and the movie is not a Zuck-fest so you should revel in THAT.

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