"Totally coup, yo."

The BEASTies: The Tree of Life

Feb

22

by

Brad Pitt shows his son how many prostitutes he murdered that night.

0-15:00 So there’s this conservative Christian family in the 50s or 60s and they  found out their son just went and got a sex change operation. They have a neighborhood prayer meeting  in the hopes she would go to Marcus Bachmann’s recovery center. Half a century later the other brother is all grown up and starts thinking about growing up with his brother / now sister. He gets all creeped out by it because he’s still a trans-phobic Christian asshole. So he drunk dials his dad and makes fun of his toupee.

15:00-30:00 God creates the Universe and sees that it’s a cool story, bro, but is tl;dr. So he gets baked, stares at his lava lamps, listens to some ambient music, and waits several billion years for galaxies to form and for shit to get real on Earth.

30:00-45:00 This is pretty much just more of Planet Earth except David Attenborough isn’t around to explain what the fuck is going on because he is hiding in your backyard.

So then we move forward several hundred million years to that kid who died earlier. The filmmakers forgot to mention he was born at some point in the past so they’re explaining that now. Then an autistic person steals the camera from the film crew and takes some footage which the director apparently decided to keep in the film for laughs.

45:00-60:00 The boy’s mother points towards Ethiopia and tells him that is where God lives because she wants him to grow up Rastafarian so he can give all praise to Haile Selassie I, Jah, King of Kings and All Living Tings. But the father is trying to get his sons to be superstar DJs, so they are conflicted. The dad is always trying to get them to learn new turntable tricks and dig through his stacks of wax, but the mom just wants to get high and look at the clouds with them.

60:00-75:00 The family goes to church and the preacher gives an emo sermon about how Job got fucked over for no reason and someday you will too. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Boo fucking hoo. So shut up and quit whining. In his despair the dad forgets what movie he’s in and starts an underground boxing club / terrorist organization with his kids. It grows until the point where some kid dies in a tragic accident and everyone around repeats his name over and over because they are brainwashed.

“His name was… Actually, you know what? We didn’t catch his name. Oh well, whatever then.”

75:00-90:00 The dad goes on his annual carnival barkers’ spring tour where he goes from town to town trying to sell perpetual motion machines. Unfortunately there’s a gang of anti-groupie physics students who follow him and shout out embarassing questions about entropy whenever he tries to make his pitch.

90:00-105:00 One of the kids has to break in to a house as a part of the Occupy A Stranger’s House (OSH) movement. The dad can’t sell his perpetual motion machines because everyone finds out they can’t possibly work. So he takes it out on his kids by making them listen to him play piano. They have to pretend he doesn’t suck at it even though all he can play is that bassline from Jaws and Chopsticks.

105:00-120:00 There’s a bunch of scenes of the kids messing around in the forest and then every once in a while they insert audio of the director making obscene phone calls to random people in this breathy voice. Mitt Romney buys the company the dad works for and downsizes. Now the family will have to move so the dad can get a job on the set of the fake Moon landing.

120:00-135:00 We flash back to the modern day and some guy’s taking acid in the desert or something. It turns out the whole movie was just a dream inside another dream but one of them was a mosquito’s dream about the whole Universe being a microbe on the back of a giant cosmic elephant who’s watching the series finale of Lost, dude.

*

Check out similar reviews for Hugo, The Artist, The Descendants, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, The Help, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, and War Horse.

Or check out last year’s BEASTies: Toy Story 3,  Winter’s BoneThe Social NetworkThe Kids Are All RightInception127 Hours / Black SwanTrue GritThe King’s Speech, and The Fighter.

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  • David

    Brilliant movie, though.

    • http://www.buffalobeast.com/ Josh Bunting

      Yeah, I secretly enjoyed it.

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