"Totally coup, yo."

The Beasties: True Grit

Feb

17

by

Timestamped reviews of Oscar-nominated films—we’re doing all 10 nominated for Best Picture? Make it stop!
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true-grit

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First 9 Minutes: An old lesbian’s voice-over about how Dick Cheney shot her father in a hunting “accident” and then stole his horse, and how, as a little girl, she set about avenging him…which spoils the entire movie. The flashback begins: The young lesbian haggles over the price of her father’s coffin, and belittles her grown, male slave, setting the racist tone of the film. She stumbles upon a public hanging; some douche whines about dying; another guy is just like, “Whatever. Fuck you;” and they don’t let the Indian talk. The little lesbo talks to the sheriff about where to procure an unabridged thesaurus and legal dictionary to help track down Cheney. She then sleeps in a coffin because the Super 8 has bed bugs.

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9-13 Minutes: The lesbian, Mattie Ross, haggles with the man who sold her some bad acid. She threatens to sue him for the use of his thesaurus. Mattie screws him hard out of his money and uses it to buy several legal dictionaries.

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13-14:30 Minutes: She meets up with some old bitch who knew her father, and sells her a thesaurus, a legal dictionary and some primo blotter.

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14:30-22:30 Minutes: Mattie observes the courtroom testimony of The Dude. He appears to have had one too many Russians and lost an eye somehow. He’s also become a U.S. Marshall and taken elocution lessons from Sam Elliot. The Dude is in disguise as John Wayne. He brags about how many men he’s killed, and how the rug really tied the room together. Mattie approaches The Dude, and then she says the title of the film. She tries to hire The Dude to hunt down Dick Cheney. He says he can’t because Cheney’s a cyborg without a pulse.

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22:30-28 Minutes: The lesbian wakes up and Matt Damon is creepily hovering over her, smoking a bowl and fapping. He says his name is McBeef, and that he plays for the the Texas Rangers, and that he’s been tracking Cheney since he was H.W. Bush’s Secretary of Defense. He proposes that they team up to prosecute Cheney for war crimes and flouting the Geneva Conventions.

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gdfgfdgdfgdfgfdg
“Gr uph ish mm per rrrr grr grumble grr.”

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28-30 Minutes: Mattie returns to the man who sold her the bunk LSD, and she screws him again out of another thesaurus and a black pony. The pony cops an attitude, and he’s loud at the movies, so she decides to name him “Little Blackie.” The black stable boy is all like, “Bitch?” under his breath.

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30-37 Minutes: Mattie tracks down The Dude where he lives in the back of a P.F. Chang’s. She insists that he work for her. She’s basically a huge bitch, and demands she go with him to hunt down Cheney and further the plot. They agree to leave in the morning, but when she returns the next day, The Dude is gone to In-and-Out Burger. She chases after him and makes Little Blackie swim across a river. And he’s all, “Bitch?” under his horsey breath. On the other side, The Dude and McBeef are hanging out. Mattie acts like a bitch, so McBeef beats her ass. The Dude warns McBeef to lay off, and then they go camping.
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sfdsfdsfsd“Stop being black or I’ll shoot!”

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37-43:30 Minutes: McBeef smokes a bowl around the fire and The Dude puts rope around himself because snakes hate rope or something. It makes no sense. McBeef and The Dude argue about what a bitch Mattie is. To break the tension, Mattie reads from one of her thesauruses. They wake up and fight some more about how stupid Damon looks in leather fringe. Damon pretends to ride away and Mattie acts like a bitch.

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Matt Damon in True Grit
Matt Damon in True Grit

 

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43:30-53 Minutes: The two ride to some Indian outpost and The Dude physically assaults a midget. They find out that Cheney is running with another fugitive named Dr. Pepper®; they pursue. As they ride, The Dude gets shitfaced and tells Mattie about the time he met porn producer Jackie Treehorn, and about the time he once took on a whole gang of foreshadowing. They come across a hanged man dangling from a tree. Mattie climbs the tree and cuts him down. The Dude sells the body to an Indian necrophiliac who later signals that someone is following them. They wait in a clearing for the stalker and discover that Tommy Chong, wearing a bear’s head, bought the body from the necrophiliac, so that he may turn the body into a bong.

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53- 60 Minutes: Following the advice of Chong, the two ride to a cabin, where they discover some dudes making stew. They smoke the dudes up and The Dude shoots one in the leg. The Dude interrogates the men about Dr. Pepper®, and eats their Dinty Moore® stew. Mattie threatens them with her thesauruses. The shot man squeals like a rat and the other chops off his fingers and stabs him. The Dude shoots the aggressor and frames one of Mattie’s legal dictionaries for the crime.

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60-66 Minutes: The two go outside to ambush Dr. Pepper® and his gang. McBeef shows up instead, just before Pepper’s gang, and The Dude has to shot him for being a putz. He shoots a bunch of other people, but Pepper gets away. McBeef bit his tongue and now he talks funny, for comic relief.

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66-71 Minutes: The three decide to stay in the cabin, for the night, and take turns reading from Mattie’s legal dictionary. McBeef brags about being a long-range sniper, and The Dude challenges his claims, for the purpose of foreshadowing. The Dude stays up all night drinking White Russians. In the morning McBeef and The Dude play Nintendo Duck Hunt to see who’s a better shot. The dog laughs at them both.

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duck-hunt

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71-78 Minutes: Horses and scenery. Scenery and horses. Orchestra in the woods somewhere. They go camping and The Dude is shit-faced and bows out of the mission. McBeef rides off into the night—to find the orchestra on his own.

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78-89 Minutes: Mattie wakes up and goes to the river for water. She sees Josh Brolin, former Scientologist, praying to Aqua Buddha. She shoots him with one of her legal dictionaries, breaking his rib. He kidnaps her for a weird Skull & Bones ritual and turns her over to Dr. Pepper®. The Dude hangs out on the other side of the river and listens to some Credence. Pepper makes Brolin wait with Mattie, as the rest of the gang rides off. Brolin attacks her and McBeef appears to show off his fringe, and smash Brolin’s head in.
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"I said I ain't a Scientologist no more!"
“I said I ain’t a Scientologist no more!”

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89-96 Minutes: The Dude flanks Pepper’s gang and cuts them off at the pass. They ride at each other, guns blazing, while Mattie and McBeef watch from a perch. The Dude gets stuck under his horse and the wounded Dr. Pepper® takes aim. McBeef’s sharp shooting foreshadowing comes to fruition. Brolin wakes up and beans McBeef. Mattie wrestles the rifle from his hands and murders him in cold blood. Then she falls down a cave like a dumb bitch and gets bit by a rattle snake. The Dude shows up, shoots the snakes and spelunks down the cave to save her.

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96-101 Minutes: The movie’s way too long already, but The Dude rides Mattie on Little Blackie to civilization, so she won’t die or some crap. The orchestra stalks their every move, but they somehow don’t notice. Mattie says, “We must stop! Little Blackie’s played out!” And that seems racist somehow. The Dude stabs the pony to make him ride harder and it eventually collapses. The Dude busts a cap in its ass, and carries little Mattie in his arms to a cabin.

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101-104 Minutes: The older Mattie from the beginning is on a train and saying how she lost her arm, and now she’s going to visit The Dude where he works in the Jim Rose Circus at Lollapalooza. Two old racists tell Mattie that The Dude’s dead. She tells them to fuck off, goes to visit The Dude’s grave and talks to herself about how the Coen brothers kind of suck now, how No Country For Old Men was wildly overrated, and how she’s a bitchy, one-armed, unmarried lesbian who will die alone with her thesauruses and legal dictionaries. CREDITS.

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Check out these similar reviews of Toy Story 3, Winter’s Bone, The Social NetworkThe Kids Are All Right, Inception and The 127 Hours/Black Swan
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