"Totally coup, yo."

The Beasties: Winter's Bone

Feb

02

by

Timestamped reviews of Oscar nominated films, so you can talk about them at parties without having to actually watch them.

“Movie, I’m going to have to ask you to pick up the pace already.”

I am looking forward to summarizing this because I have never seen Inuit porn before. Rule #34 is in effect.

First 5 Minutes
: Some survivalist woman named Ree is raising her two kids way out in the sticks somewhere. They go to a school which has been invaded by a local militia.

6-10 Minutes: The police arrive to stop the movie immediately since it is already way above the FCC’s prescribed maximum tedium levels. As punishment, he forces Ree to go find her father’s fortified compound in the woods or else she will lose the future.

11-15 Minutes: Meals on wheels arrives, which means it is time to teach the kids how to make “deer stew.” The next day, Ree tells one of her survivalist friends of her troubles and asks for some ammunition for her upcoming adventure but the local militia commander refuses her request due to an error in the paperwork.

Fugitive father-finding requests need to be filled out in triplicate, people!

16-19 Minutes: Basically the same thing happens again, but this time with weed and long walks in depressing settings. I guess this makes it more realistic because this is the Ozarks and they don’t have civilization or anything there.

20-24 Minutes: Ree arrives at Little Arthur’s and the same thing happens AGAIN. Protip for screenwriters: killing off Red Shirts is a much more effective way to elevate tension than stonewalling.

24-8 Minutes: The next house she walks to is also some of their inbred cousins. Ree organizes a sit-down strike, but since she’s the only one striking (Ree is not a very good organizer) it only lasts a few minutes before she bends the will of management and goes home. Once there, she is immediately kidnapped by a bearded used truck salesman.

29-32 Minutes: The truck salesman tells Ree that her father died in a bizarre gardening accident, and shows here the scene of the explosion to prove it – which, I might add was only like 2 miles down the road from her house. She probably passed it a few times on one of her many recent walks and could have saved herself and her “kin” a lot of trouble if she had bothered to just put the pieces together herself.

The audience is thrilled to see how the next walk will turn out.

33-6 Minutes: Ree doesn’t believe the hype, and then turns down an offer from the used truck salesman to steal the children and indoctrinate them in accordance with his customs. Instead she instructs them on the finer points of killing ATF agents. Then Ree’s friend comes over with a stolen truck so it’s time for a road trip. They pack Twizzlers.

37-41 Minutes: Their first stop is at a jam band session where one of the groupies gives them a lead on how to… Wait, what were they doing, again? Whatever, she soon goes back home and tortures some squirrels with the kids.

42-47 Minutes: Ree says no to both selling her land and to drugs, stares at her shoes, and asks the Log Lady from Twin Peaks for help. But the log won’t speak to her.

48-52 Minutes: A bounty hunter shows up to try to rev some life into the movie, asking Ree to maybe please just the one time kill her father. Ree decides to instead go to a slaughterhouse and deliver a sermon on behalf of PETA, but nobody can hear her because the cows moo too loudly.

53-58 Minutes: The Log Lady and her friends take Ree into a garage for some enhanced interrogation, redneck-style. One of the militia leaders from earlier (Teardrop) shows up to negotiate her release. They allow this on the condition that they both refrain from ending any word they speak with the letter G.

59-65 Minutes: Ree recovers from her enhanced interrogations and starts popping pills. She has a drug-induced dream about squirrels learning to use chainsaws and overthrowing their human masters, as hillbillies often do. We are now one hour into the movie and have yet to see this Dad / Jessup character who’s apparently very important to the plot.

66-71 Minutes: Ree tries to defect from her local militia to the federal government’s but they reject her because she is only 17 and cannot legally yet be contracted for any Inuit porn, which I’m sure is about to happen ANY MINUTE NOW. Teardrop takes Ree to a bar so she can stare at it while he drinks inside. Then he buys some weed from the mountain man version of Jay and Silent Bob and then re-enacts his favorite scene from The Big Lebowski.

72-76 Minutes: Another road trip, this time with Teardrop, is interrupted by the fuzz. It turns out that it was just the friendly neighborhood sheriff from the beginning, just checking in to make sure everyone in the car was armed with loaded rifles in compliance with the Americans Killin’ stuff Act of 2014, signed into law by President Mike Huckabee. Jessup is dead, maybe, or something, so I guess the movie will be ending very soon, if there’s a merciful and forgiving God, that is.

77-81 Minutes: Lots of incoherent mumbling, then some nice old ladies come by and offer to show Ree her father’s bones. The exciting climax of this movie is going to be a day in the life of the Dead Animals Department of a rural town’s Highway Agency. EXCITING!

82-89 Minutes: A walk and a canoe ride later, a group of women ask Ree if she wants to see a dead body. She does, so they take her to where they left Jessup’s corpse, which is in the impromptu underwater tomb where they worship him as a deity. Then they chop off one of his limbs so Ree can feed it to her little brother and sister.

90-95 Minutes: The bounty hunter returns to pay Ree for the human flesh she provided. Teardrop rocks out on the banjo and decides to follow Phish on tour. One of the kids tries to jam on banjo but she sucks. CREDITS.
__________

Read the completely accurate review of Toy Story 3.

__________

  • Archives