"Totally coup, yo."

The BP Tapes

Jun

09

by

BEAST bug at Podesta Group catches candid conversation

A SPECIAL BEAST REPORT!

….
Several months ago, while investigating the apparent ties between former Clinton Chief of Staff, and current President of the Center for American Progress, John Podesta and the fossil fuel industry (a charge he vehemently denies), we at The BEAST couldn’t help but notice: The Podesta Group, the lobbying firm John founded with his brother Tony in ’88, represents BP America. While John’s not been on payroll, for a few years now, Tony has since become a DC powerhouse.

As you can see here, we take our odd brand of reporting very seriously, and though it may be naïve, we believed John when he told us, “I’m not my brother and he’s not me.” However, good journalism cannot exist without due diligence. That in mind, and inspired by conservative pimp James O’Keefe, we decided to bug a conference room in The Podesta Group’s C Street office. Seriously.

Weeks passed without so much as a peep and we came up totally empty on the Podesta connection. Miraculously, today, minutes before the surveillance device’s long-running battery expired, we caught the end of a very interest meeting between four men we’ve determined to be BP CEO Tony Hayward, BP COO Doug Suttles, Tony Podesta and his BP point man David Marin. The following is a rushed, yet  faithful, transcript of that conversation:

Tony Hayward: Well, Jesus-shit, Doug! What the fuck?

Doug Suttles: What? What the fuck what–

[inaudible]

David Marin: Gentlemen, please!

Tony Podesta: Let’s just calm—we can find a way to beat this thing.

Suttles: How the fuck–

Hayward: Shut the fuck up, you insufferable cunt!

Marin: Gentleman, ple—

Hayward: Oh, gentlemen, please! Gentlemen, please! Is that all you can say? We pay you–

Podesta: Yes, you pay us very well, and we appreciate your continued business, which is why Mr. Marin and I are on top of this little PR problem—

Hayward: Little PR problem? LITTLE PR PROBLEM!?

Marin: But the dispersant–

Suttles: The fucking disper–

Hayward: I said shut up, you motherfucking cunt! The motherfucking dispersant is goddamn poison!

Podesta: Mr. Hayward–

Hayward: Don’t you Mr. Hayward me. The goddamn dispersant you said we should use is fucking poison!

Marin: Says who?

Hayward: Says your bloody EPA!

Marin: Listen. I want you to just relax a little and listen. I knew these twins – good looking chaps, as you’d say. Anyway, they’d go out clubbing every weekend, right?

Suttles: What does–

Hayward: Cunt! Silent! This better be going somewhere, Dave.

Marin: Trust me. These twins, you see, one of them has AIDS–

Suttles: I’m sorry to hear–

Hayward: Cunt!

Suttles: Sorry, Tony.

Podesta: What? I was checking my Black–

Hayward: Cunts!

Marin: Uh, anyway, although the one twin has AIDS, he’s a ticking time bomb, so to speak, but he generally looks healthy and well groomed. Now, the other twin, he’s as healthy as a horse, according to his doctor, but when he goes out he’s covered in oil–

Hayward: AIDS? How is that possible?! I thought the Corexit dispersant gave people cancer and birth defects?

Suttles: I think it’s an allegor–

Hayward: Penis eating cunt!

Marin: Doug’s right, it is an allegory, Tony.

Podesta: What? Sorry, I was just checking my Black–

Hayward: I’m surrounded by cunts!

Suttles: Cunts!

Hayward: What the fuck–

Podesta: Dave, please continue.

Marin: Look, the point is that the good looking twin with AIDS gets a shit-load more pussy than the healthy twin, because that sad bastard repulses the ladies with all the oil – got me?

Hayward: Why is he covered in oil?

Suttles: Tony, it’s just an alleg–

Tony: What? Sorry, I was–

Hayward: MOTHERFUCKING CUNTBAGS!

Marin: Look, it doesn’t matter… he’s a mechanic, OK?

Hayward: Well, what’s his name?

Suttles: Tony!

Hayward & Podesta: What?

Marin: No, goddamn it! His name is Tony! The twin’s name is Tony! Now the other twin with AIDS–

Hayward: what’s his name?

Marin: Ugh. Fucking Fred, I don’t know – that’s not the point. You see, Fred looks good and gets tail even though he’s a walking death trap, but Tony– and I swear to God if you say what, I don’t even know what I’ll do – he can’t get so much as a handy, because he LOOKS like an oiled up shit-ball. Are you getting this?

Hayward: I—I think so–

Marin: How could you not be getting this, Tony?!

Podesta: What? I was just–

Suttles: Checking your Blackberry? Is it your broth – OH, is it James Cameron? Avatar was so awe–

Hayward: CUNTBALLS! Cunt! Cuntballs!

Marin: Jesus Christ! The point is that AIDS cleans off oil!

Hayward: But I thought you said—

Marin: Correct. The Corexit doesn’t give people AIDS, it gives people can–

Hayward: Then why don’t you just say he’s got cancer!?

Marin: Because you can’t give someone cancer.

Suttles: But I thought you said the dispersant gives people can–

Marin: Cunt!

Hayward: How dare you talk to Mr. Suttles like that!

Marin: My apologies, Tony.

Podesta: What? Sorry, I was–

Hayward: I am literally drowning in a sea of cunts!

Marin: I’m sorry, Mr. Hayward, but the point is that Fred – like the Corexit – is going to make people sick.

Suttles: Who’s Fred?

Hayward: so help me–

Marin: But he’s still getting his dick wet, you feel me?

Hayward: I—I think so. Like, if one of the twins wore a gas mask, even though he should probably be wearing one, no bird would give him a snog, right?

Suttles: Well, I should hope not; they’re all covered in oil.

Hayward: I meant women!

Suttles: Oh, no, now women are covered in oil, T—Mr. Hayward?

Hayward: Thank you for that, but I meant birds as in women, you cunt!

Marin: Exactly! You wear a gas mask, you go out covered in oil, you get no fucking pussy. None.

Suttles: He calls it a fanny, I think.

Hayward: Mother–

Marin: You don’t wear a gas mask and you clean off the oil with AIDS, or cancer, or poison, or Corexit, or whatever-the-fuck-you-want-to-call-it and you get a a shite-load of birds!

Suttles: But we’ve already gotten a rather large number of birds with the oil–

Hayward: Suttles!

Suttles: I’m sorry, Tony.

Podesta: Shut up, you insufferable fanny!

Hayward: No, a fanny isn’t a cunt. It’s a vagina, so when you say, ‘insufferable fanny’ it just sounds silly, like you’re calling him a tiresome bird –

Suttle: Like in the Gulf?

Hayward: Fanny!

Marin: But, Tony—

Podesta: What?

Hayward: Fannies! Cunt! Queen Mother of shit! This meeting is—it’s a fucking tragedy… I wish I had the last five minutes of my life back…

[uproarious laughter]

Marin: Oh! [laughs] That’s exactly what we needed. Look, guys, the point is that you have AIDS and you should be thankful.

Hayward: But–

Marin: And don’t forget BP owns the company that makes AIDS!

Suttle: We do?

Hayward: Bloody hell, mate, yes! We own Corexit!

Marin:Yes you guys have AIDS! Don’t you see how awesome this is? Not only will you have limited liability, and we at the Podesta Group will do everything we can to make that happen, but virtually all of the tax payer dollars that go toward cleanup goes indirectly to BP. You boys just keep sprinkling that fucking ocean with AIDS and we may be able to totally recoup our losses. And we’ll be fucking all the birds we can handle!

Hayward: But your EPA has ordered us to stop using the Corexit dispersant. They say it’s–

Marin: AIDS! Exactly! The EPA’s a toothless whore. We’re going to fuck that whore and give all the birds AIDS! Now, who’s with me?

All: Weeeeeeeee!

[tape ends]

We at The BEAST were blown away. Not in a million years did we expect something like this. We’d like to put some profound cap on the end of this thing, but what the hell can we say?

Stay tuned for updates.

-IM, BEAST Editor-in-Chief

BP-TAPES

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