An Educational Guest Post By Dana Loesch
You might not know it by looking at me, but I am a very sexual creature. And over the course of a long and passionate sex life, let’s just say that I’ve amassed a trove of knowledge that wouldn’t be appropriate to share with my CNN viewers, Big Journalism readers, or my radio listeners. Serious lovemaking knowledge.
How I’ve yearned to bestow upon the world these sensual gifts — these hard-won techniques, tricks, and tips. Selfishly, like an inexperienced lover, I’ve kept it inside for too long. So when Ian Murphy asked me to do a guest post for The BEAST, I knew exactly what to write about.
What follows is my exclusive guide to a fantastic and healthy sex life. Enjoy! I know I will.
Okay, let’s start with the basics. The male penis: What is it? Am I right, ladies? But I’m here to help demystify the male penis. The male penis is usually made of cold metal or plastic and coated with lubricant. It also emits ultrasonic waves (if you’re lucky!), which it converts into imagery. When a man loves you very much, he will go to medical school for several years, put on a lab coat and jam it up inside of your lady-hole. Now that’s a mandate!
The lady-hole: not just for menstruating. It took me ages to figure out how to use my lady-hole. I tried yelling at it, bringing it to church, and even bribing it, but nothing seemed to work. Then one day it hit me: What if a total stranger dispassionately shoved something up there? I first tried this in a 7-11 parking lot with a hobo and a Slim Jim. And I’ve never looked back. I realized that night that the key to maximizing lovemaking pleasure lies in feeling those intense waves of shame rush over you. Again and again.
Now that we’ve covered every single erogenous zone on the human body, the male penis and the lady-hole, let’s move on to the magical act of sex itself. Intercourse is a special experience between a medical professional and an unwilling patient which should be enforced by a state government (see illustration).
And as I mentioned, the most important aspect of any sexual encounter is shame. Like myself, most women become aroused when they feel judged and worthless. The more a woman feels like she’s potentially ruined her entire life with one careless mistake, the closer she is to saying she had an orgasm (because we all know the female orgasm is a myth perpetuated by the liberal media).
The best way to reach a shame-climax is to create a romantic and clinical setting. Cue the bright lights! A paper gown and stirrups can also come in handy here. After the lady-hole is exposed, the male penis will instinctively jump inside of it and start screaming. The pitch will be so high that not even dogs can hear it. So it methodically pokes around in there for a few minutes, draws a picture of your uterus or something, and that’s it. You put your clothes back on, go home, and cry yourself to sleep.
And that, people, is how the sweetest love is made. You are very welcome.
Look out next week for a lesson on the pleasures of oral sex. (Hint: it’s all about the teeth!)