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The NBA's 5 Least Valuable Players

Apr

23

by

It’s a list. You like lists.

The NBA season is coming to an end, and this year’s MVP race is fairly boring. It’s basically between Lebron James and Kevin Durant, with the deciding factor being whether or not voters will overlook how much they personally hate Lebron and admit that he’s the best player in the league. But the race for the league’s worst player? That’s way more exciting! Tons of players were horrendous this year. This column honors them, the 5 most worthless players in the NBA.


5. Chris Kaman
Slow, awkward, white dude. We’ve seen that before. But what makes Kaman so frustrating is that his raw numbers give the false impression that he’s a decent player. He puts 13 points up and almost 8 rebounds a game. Sounds good until you realize that he’s one of the least efficient players in the league. The offense basically runs through him, and most of the time he can’t shoot. His defense is okay, but the problem with Kaman is that he’s so overvalued, thanks to his lying statline, that teams continue to overpay him. He’s about to be a free agent, and he’ll probably get overpaid by another team just because they need a big man. As a result, we’ll be stuck with at least 5 more years of Chris Kaman being slow, inefficient, and really, really white.


4. Nick Young
Spent most of the year on a bad team (the Wizards), then got traded to a good team (the Clippers), and sucked on both of them. The guy takes way too many shots, and isn’t anywhere close to being a good enough shooter to justify it. You rarely see a player so allergic to passing who can’t make it rain. Like Kaman, his reckless over-shooting leads to an inflated total (some of them have to go in) that makes him look better than he is. He thinks he’s Dwayne Wade, general managers think he can be Jamal Crawford or O.J. Mayo, but really, he just sucks. Also, he did this.


3. Anyone who played center for the Heat this year
When you have 2 of the 5 best players in the league on your team (as the Heat do in Lebron and Wade), you can afford certain luxuries. Like having a giant black hole at the center position. Joel Anthony, Eddy Curry, and Ronny Turiaf have all played minutes at center for the Heat this year, and they’ve all been terrible for a variety of reasons. Anthony is one of the most incapable offensive players in the league–whenever the ball is in his hands, he looks confused and possibly disturbed. His defense is pretty good, but if he played on a team that didn’t have two superstars to do most of the scoring, his ridiculous inability to do anything on offense would be a much bigger problem. As for Curry, despite losing a ton of weight, he’s still pretty fat, and still well past his prime. There’s not much to say about Turiaf, who isn’t especially crappy in any category, but doesn’t succeed in any either, but when your plan to improve at the center position is to get the guy who was the backup on the 2nd worst team in the league (as Turiaf was on the Wizards), you have some problems.


2. Cory Higgins
I could’ve picked anyone from the Bobcats. They’re probably the worst team in the history of the NBA. But let’s go with the guy whose win shares are actually in the negative (meaning the team is demonstrably worse for having him there), and is probably on the team because of nepotism. Yes, Higgins is the son of Bobcats team president Rod Higgins, and probably only made the cut because, well, his dad had to get him away from the Xbox somehow. Admittedly, Higgins was a decent player in college, averaging at least 16 points a game for three straight years, but his meager presence on an NBA roster is only justifiable in light of family connections. The Bobcats have 7 wins right now. If Higgins had never played, they would probably have 8.


1. Lamar Odom
Who else was it going to be? Sure, other players were technically crappier, but who submarined their team more thoroughly than Odom did in Dallas? He completely checked out all season, caring more about his comically rocky marriage to the third most famous Kardashian sister than he did about playing decent basketball. After being a reliable double-double machine for the Lakers for 7 seasons, Odom’s numbers dropped to 6 points and 4 rebounds a game. He also shot a pathetic .352 from the field, about 10 percent lower than what he normally averages. After getting 10 win shares for the Lakers, he put up a mere 0.4. The Mavs were expecting a near-elite player who could help them repeat as champs; they were given a massive, steaming, reality show turd. For that, Odom is the only logical choice for this season’s least valuable player. His shit just stank a little more than everyone else’s.

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  • Josh

    Mode mannequin,

    Go back to writing about fashion on your blog, you vapid cunt. Also, sentences begin with capital letters.

  • admin

    Pretty sure you guys are responding to a bot. Just saying.

  • John Hugar (not logged in)

    Bot or not, I looked it over and found no spelling errors, but one grammar error. In the paragraph about Higgins, I said “who’s” when I should’ve said “whose”. So yeah, my bad, but it’s hardly “rife with spelling errors”.

  • admin

    Well, that who’s/whose is something I should’ve caught. My bad. But, yeah, it’s definitely a spambot. The Pretend Ghost of Alan Turing is sad.

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  • John Hugar (still not logged in)

    ^You complimentary bots are way cooler.

  • admin

    HAHA. I guess our spam filter suddenly blows.

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