"Totally coup, yo."

The Passion of the Tebow




God trades crappy players in mysterious ways

Our national nightmare is over. Peyton Manning has a new team, and Tim Tebow isn’t a starting quarterback anymore. Yes, the Denver Broncos gave Manning — who missed the entire 2011 season with a vagina neck injury — a massive 5-year $95 million contract, and sent the would-be messiah to the New York Jets to fill the role he was born to play: second fiddle to a quarterback who isn’t very good.

Tebow riding the pine at the Meadowlands (artist’s conception)

In this case, that quarterback is Mark Sanchez, who is more known for his skills with the opposite sex than his skills on the football field. The basic role for Tebow will likely be running Wildcat and Option plays under center, and possibly lining up at tight end occasionally. In other words, anything other than throwing the football.

“I’m also religious, but people don’t talk about it a lot because I can actually throw a football.”

No one knows what could happen with Tebow next year. Maybe he settles into the Kordell Stewart-type Slash role nicely, or maybe Sanchez sucks so bad that the fans start clamoring for Tebow, and he inexplicably takes another team to the playoffs, despite clearly lacking many of the skills that are needed to play quarterback. One thing however, is perfectly clear: reality has set in with this kid. It was fun watching him win games with the Broncos by playing like crap for the first 55 minutes, then making a few good plays at the tail end of the game to somehow pull out a win, but no one actually believed he was legit. In fact, the reason why it was so fun is because he clearly wasn’t. He’s like the an Uber Christian Doug Flutie — not good enough to start in the NFL, but instead of exciting the midget-underdog in us, he found the adoration of the dumb religious set. That’s probably still there, but at least with Tebow on the bench, we won’t have to think about it as much.

Jesus, seen here, getting creamed by a child

Was it fun to watch Tebow knock off Ben Roethlisberger — the only quarterback more dangerous to women than he is — in a first round playoff game? Sure. But no one, including the Broncos, actually wanted this person to be their starting quarterback. Denver put him in because they had nothing to lose, and they knew it would make the fans happy. At that point he hadn’t played much, and it was plausible that his unconventional throwing motion wouldn’t hinder his abilities too much. After a few games, however, that was clearly not the case. When the team’s record actually improved with him, they had no choice but to keep him in there, in spite of his considerable lack of conventional skills (remember, the backup QB is Brady Quinn, not exactly an enticing prospect). If the Broncos hadn’t been able to get Manning, they probably would’ve been stuck in this predicament for at least one more year.

Moments before Jesus suffered massive head trauma (Wear your helmet kids!)

Instead they were able to sign the future hall-of-famer, and Denver’s Tebow problem is no more. The greatest quarterback ever is a starting quarterback again, Tim Tebow is going to ride the pine, and deluded Christians have yet another ridiculous non-reason to believe they’re being persecuted.

Everything is right with the world. Hail Satan.


  • Brack

    You know that Tebow will be starting by week 6 in New York, right?

  • KAB

    Flutie was a terrific football player and exciting to watch. He concluded his career with a drop-kick extra point.

  • robert van bakel

    I don’t know anything about this sport, but this Jesus guy looks utterly out of his depth. What’s his claim to fame other than bad personal grooming?

  • Archives

  • Warning: require_once(all_images/config.php) [function.require-once]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /nfs/c09/h03/mnt/134940/domains/buffalobeast.com/html/wp-content/themes/Beast/footer.php on line 28

    Fatal error: require_once() [function.require]: Failed opening required 'all_images/config.php' (include_path='.:/usr/local/php-5.3.29/share/pear') in /nfs/c09/h03/mnt/134940/domains/buffalobeast.com/html/wp-content/themes/Beast/footer.php on line 28