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The War On Nickelback




Thanksgiving uprising thwarted, but spirits still high

Nickelback isn’t just a shitty band, they’re the shitty band. When you think of plodding uninspired garbage that symbolizes the absolute death of modern rock music, they’re the band that first comes to mind. Sure, there’s plenty of other bands stinking up the joint, but Nickelback is the face of the movement, and the Hinders and Theory of a Deadmans of the world are merely their tepid co-conspirators.

Nickelback, seen here, performing their only tolerable song: a cover of John Cage’s 4’33″

And yet, damned if those fuckers haven’t been popular over the years. For all the people ranting about how unpleasant Chad Kroeger’s constipation-core vocals are to listen to, or about how misogynistic and even sadistic their lyrics get (sample lyric: I love your lack of self-respect/while you’re passed out on the deck/I love my hands around your neck), there’s about 10 million more slopping up another helping of Nickelback gruel.

The Alberta atrocity’s reign of terror seemed endless, until just recently when a city of determined citizens decided they weren’t going to take it anymore. That city was Detroit, who recoiled upon hearing Nickelback would be the entertainment at this year’s Thanksgiving game between the Packers and the Lions. Their response was swift; they quickly gathered close to 50,000 signatures. This was to shitty music what Occupy Wall Street was to economic injustice. After all, 99 percent of Americans hate Nickelback. Unfortunately, that still leaves 3 million people, which is exactly the number of copies Nickelback’s last album sold in America. Coincidence? Eh, probably. But still….

A typical Detroit resident reacts to the Nickelback news

Unfortunately, their worthy efforts fell on deaf ears. The NFL went ahead with their plan, and Nickelback will be caterwauling “Photograph” at top volume on Thanksgiving Day, following in the footsteps of such luminaries as Creed, Kid Rock, and the Jonas Brothers.

Obviously, this is an injustice of the highest order. This is the city that gave us MC5, The White Stripes, and Iggy Fucking Pop. You know what, I’ll even throw Ted Nugent in there. Sure, he’s a right-wing dickhead, but “Stranglehold” still fucking owns, and frankly I’d rather hear him regale the halftime crowd with tales of him and Rick Perry shooting whooping cranes during a particularly wild Niggerhead weekend than hear “Rockstar” one more time.

Luckily, this tragic news comes with a silver lining. Detroiters aren’t the only ones rejecting Nickelback in record numbers. They just released the first two singles from their new album, and wouldn’t you know it, they’re both bombing hard. First there’s “When We Stand Together,” a song about how war is like, bad and stuff (or not, I didn’t feel like listening to it) which has peaked at a pathetic #48. Then, there’s “Bottoms Up,” which is about how drinking is like, good and stuff (again, didn’t listen to it), which is currently at #103.

Is it possible that Nickelback is finally done? That their stranglehold (seriously, fucking great song) on the American public ended once and for all? More importantly, are the American people finally starting to demonstrate something resembling good taste? Well, Jack and Jill made $26 million last weekend, so I guess we’re taking baby steps.

  • http://www.buffalobeast.com/ Josh Bunting

    The way vacuum cleaners work is they put Nickelback inside them and then Nickelback sucks.

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