"Totally coup, yo."

Worst Basketball Team Ever?

Jan

18

by

Washington Wizards cast powerful sucking spell

This past June, Washington Wizards fans had a fair amount to be excited about. They had a young potential superstar in John Wall, they were finally getting rid of the godawful uniforms that had plagued them for 15 years and were going back to the much cooler old school Bullets colors, and they had drafted Jan Vesely, a so-called “dunking ninja” from the Czech Republic who had tons of athleticism, and wasn’t exactly shy about PDA. Maybe they weren’t a playoff team, but they appeared to be well on the right track.

Then the season started, and all of that collapsed in a matter of seconds. We’re only a few weeks in, and this team already looks historically awful. In 12 games, they’ve managed to eek out only one win, against a pathetic Toronto Raptors team, which lost the will to live two years ago when Chris Bosh, their lone decent player, bolted for Miami. In every other game, they’ve been pathetic. They lost to the fucking Nets, for crying out loud!

But hey, tons of teams have growing pains right? A few years ago, the now mighty Thunder started out a stunning 3-29, and now they’re one of the best teams in the league. So, there’s hope that this team can do the same right? Eh, not so much.

For one thing, they have no chemistry. They are to chemistry what creationism is to biology. Every one on this team is a gunner. They fire off bad shots more than anyone in the league. Everyone on this team thinks they’re Kobe Bryant, even though most of them wouldn’t rise above the level of “homeless man’s Jamal Crawford.”

The two worst examples of this are Nick Young, and Andray Blatche. These are two players who blatantly refuse to pass the ball under any circumstances, firing it up at every opportunity based on the delusion that they are an all-star level talent. The problem is that even though these players basically bury any chance their team had to win, they take enough shots that they usually end up with a decent amount of points. Plus, anyone who shoots that much is bound to have a good game once in awhile, so it’s easy to see one of them luck into a 30 point game and think they’re a quality player. Trust me, they are not.

And what about Wall, the future star? Well, after an awful start, he’s settled in and has become reasonably effective, but there’s only so much the poor guy can do. In a game against the Rockets, he put up 38 points, 6 rebounds, and 8 assists, and the team still lost 114-106. Did I mention this team can’t play defense either? Because they can’t.

And Vesely, despite his excellent skills at pitching woo, hasn’t done much on the court this season. Wizards fans dreamed of watching Vesely catch countless alley-oops from Wall, as part of a high-flying, fun to watch team. That has not been the case so far. He may blossom into an effective player in the next few years, but the more time he spends on the bench, the more he may remind Wizards fans of another European player who was touted as a potential all-star, the one and only Darko Milicic.

It’s one thing for a young team to suck because they don’t have the experience, but this team just can’t play together at all. It’s a team full of selfish players who vastly overrate their own skills. If the Wizards want to compete in the future, they need to demolish this atrocity immediately. Trade every selfish gunner to a team where they can come off the bench and be useful, and build around their two legitimate players, Wall, and center Javale McGee, who works hard, plays good D, and shouldn’t be blamed for any of this. If they do that, they could be looking at an 8 seed by the time 2015 rolls around.

In the meantime, however, this is by far the league’s worst team. With a shortened schedule, there’s a good chance they will finish with fewer than 10 wins, and go down as one of the single worst teams ever. One thing’s for sure: finding out if they can hit that historic level of atrociousness will be the only reason why anyone would want to watch them.

____________________________


  • Mike

    So no 50 Loathesome list but we get an article on the NBA? Did someone misplace their priorities, perhaps?

    The Washington Wizards?

    Damn.

  • Dave

    C’mon people, the list will come soon enough. Foreplay always makes it better. It’s always so caustic and brutal it never disappoints. I don’t pay much attention to sports myself, but the posts are important to note and relavent. What’s going on in Wisconsin is extremely urgent. As well as the trial going on in Buffalo, these are issues that need to be watched closely.

    If you people want a list so bad, try writing one yourself.

  • Brack

    I don’t know man. The 2009/10 Nets were pretty terrible.

  • Beast_Fan

    The thing is, reading the list is such a wonderful catharsis for people who have been kind of pissed off at…well, everything the entire year: SOPA/PIPA, the NDAA, the top 1%, child-raping coaching assistants, anti-gay groups pouring money into your state in an attempt to defeat civil rights, etc. ad infinitum.

  • http://www.buffalobeast.com/ John Hugar

    I can’t wait to read the list either, but Ian Murphy needs time to create, dammit!

    To the person who actually wrote in response to the article, it’ll be tough to beat that Nets team who lost 70 games (especially since they’re only playing 66), but I think they have it in them. That needs team had a few decent players (Brook Lopez, Devin Harris), but the injuries really killed them. The Wizards haven’t suffered a serious injury, and they still blow. Of course, because I have no luck whatsoever, they somehow beat the Thunder last night.

  • Brack

    I think they’ll win 10-12 games this year. That’ll be mostly due to John Wall. And you sort of nailed it in the column where you talk about Nick Young and Andray Blatche taking basically any shot, but that’ll win a game or 2 for them as well, some nights those shots just go in. Also, I’m beginning to suspect you may have been wrong on calling the championship for the Heat. Have you seen Chicago this year? They’re by far the deepest team in the league, and have the best defense, and have Derrick Rose. That may be enough.

    I enjoy your sports stuff here. Keep up the good work.

  • Jam_i_am

    Hey Hugar, how’s that “rapidly-approaching-washed-up-Kobe” (or whatever) hypothesis working out for you? Ha!

  • Archives


  • Warning: require_once(all_images/config.php) [function.require-once]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /nfs/c09/h03/mnt/134940/domains/buffalobeast.com/html/wp-content/themes/Beast/footer.php on line 28

    Fatal error: require_once() [function.require]: Failed opening required 'all_images/config.php' (include_path='.:/usr/local/php-5.3.29/share/pear') in /nfs/c09/h03/mnt/134940/domains/buffalobeast.com/html/wp-content/themes/Beast/footer.php on line 28