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TWiC #4: The craziest motherfucker who ever lived

Jan

27

by

I’m going to be a little busy working on my massively unpopular project of making fun of movies nominated for Best Picture for the next few weeks, so here’s an old post I wrote in an abbreviated (i.e. worse) form on my personal blog a few years ago about my favorite conspiracy theorist Francis E Dec, Esq.

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Who’s the craziest motherfucker you’ve heard about? I’ll give you a minute to think it over. Got one? Who is it?  OK, you’re wrong. The correct answer is Francis E Dec. In my obsessive pursuit of all things unhinged I’m pretty sure he will be the ultimate yardstick for the scale of the craziest motherfuckers of at least the 20th century. Guys like Deepak Chopra, Fred Phelps and Jack Chick just have to stand back in awe of the way Dec fully embraced his inner crazy. The time cube guy was probably inspired by him. But you’ve probably never heard of him. And if it weren’t for his letters you never would.

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Dec’s letters

Here is one of his rants which he would mail out to random people:

A lot of that is pretty tough to read so here is an excerpt of one of his other rants. That’s really the only way to try to understand this guy because the details of what he believes are not very clear.

“This One-world Communist, who married his immediate cousin Eleanor Roosevelt, like his runted sickly pock-faced grandfather (propagandized as a hunter and a sports-man) TEDDY Roosevelt, here from Oyster Bay Long Island, the ROSENFELT FAMILY – another Computer God Top Secret camouflage for “gifted” Ethiopians! As a big time kid Gangster Politician (Computer God even RAISED HIS AGE for “historical” purposes), Teddy Roosevelt was PAID OFF with the Vice President do-absolutely-nothing farce-position title! Repeatedly, Vice Presidents have successfully WAITED and LURKED to eliminate El Presidenté!”

Here’s another excerpt:

After my WORSE-than-Nazi-court criminal conviction-CRUCIFIXION, for YEARS in poverty I suffered hopeless, jobless character-assassination and ISOLATION in this low deadly niggertown. I was the repeat target-victim of this Gangster Government’s gangsterization and undetectable extermination attempts to Shut Me Up Forever With My Secrets™!

See what I mean? You kind of have to wonder if there’s some kind of other unspoken narrative going on inside Dec’s head here where this all supposedly makes a little bit more sense than it appears on the surface. Or is this just word salad? Maybe a little of both? I’ll try to get more into the content of his letters later.

He would send this stuff out to media institutions and people he picked at random, presumably from the phone book, because he knew the WORDLWIDE GANGSTER COMPUTER GOD CONSPIRACY knew about him and badly wanted to shut him up. So all he could do to protect himself was to alert everyone else to The Truth in the hopes that they would all take up arms against the FRANKENSTEIN GOVERNMENT GANGSTER COMPUTER GOD. So his defense strategy was kind of like Trotsky’s, if Trotsky were a racist paranoid schizophrenic shut-in.

I don’t know how many letters Dec sent, but it was enough for some people to coalesce and find out their source. Considering most people would simply throw them away after reading a few words, it must have been a lot. Thousands? Millions? The same mental illness that led Dec to imagine the world as he perceived it could have also created the compulsion within him to sit around a typewriter for days at a time. Then I imagine he’d seal them in his own ejaculate and carry them off to the post office in one of those little red wagons.

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The Computer God’s Plan

Those lucky enough to receive a Francis E Dec, Esq. letter learned about an enormous international communist conspiracy. But you’re not going to find much inspiration for the conspiracy in Das Kapital. Marx just wasn’t that interesting.

Most conspiracy theories can be explained in a short sentence, like “The moon landings were faked,” or “Barack Obama was born in Kenya,” or “9/11 was an inside job.” Not this one. It’s just so vast and complex and twisted that it’s tough to know where to start. So I’ll just jump right in.

There is a base on the far side of the Moon where the conspiracy set up radio towers which somehow without a line of sight transmit signals to every person on Earth. But instead of sending us Beatles songs and the footage of Hitler announcing the Olympic games, these transmissions control all of our sensory perception.  Your “real brain” is also there, and the stuff inside your skull here on Earth is just a super-advanced type of radio receiver. So you can’t trust anything you perceive and no evidence derived from observation is valid since it could all just be sensory manipulation via radio signals from the Moon. It’s Descartes’ brain in a vat, but on acid.

From that starting point one can go anywhere without any concern for being disproved. And that’s what Dec does. The Conspiracy wakes you up in the middle of the night and takes you either to a hospital or to a medical van, where they perform surgeries on you without your consent. Sometimes they need to make you a few inches taller or shorter. The Frankenstein radio controls make sure you “remember” being 5’6″ all your life.

The Conspiracy is also very much involved in various assassination plots, mostly centered around one Francis Dec. During a flight once, they poisoned the entire cabin. The other so-called passengers were of course all undercover CIA agents who had all taken the Top Secret Antidote earlier. Dec managed to survive by refusing all food and free drinks.

Another important part of the plot for world domination is to re-arrange the food in supermarkets. But not just any food and not just any supermarket. It has to be the food that Francis Dec usually buys at his local supermarket in Long Island, NY.

Both the Catholic Church and the Communist-atheist conspiracy are products of the Worldwide Mad Deadly Communist Gangster Computer God, which has the ultimate goal of total enslavement of all mankind. Especially Francis Dec. They also want to transform the superior brained Slovene people into Jews and Africans. This could go on for much, much longer, but there are other resources you can look up if you want to get a more complete idea of the Computer God’s plans.

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Dec’s Life

Yeah, that was crazy.

As one might imagine it’s tough to put the pieces together regarding Dec’s actual life based on the primary sources. The Francis Dec fan club is a big help here but even they have to speculate from time to time.

Dec was born in 1926 and served in World War II. Afterwards he became a lawyer and was disbarred, possibly unfairly, in the late 1950s. The earliest point at which most can be sure Dec had lost his shit for real is around 1961, when he was 35. It could have been that his insanity was triggered by his disbarment or his insanity could have caused it. But what’s certain is that he was batshit insane as well as extremely racist and homophobic when he was trying to respond officially. We know this because there are records of his letters to the Nassau County Courts which are not too different from the rants quoted above. For the most part he lived with his brother in Long Island who may or may not have abused him.

At some point in his life Dec may have taken a trip to Warsaw to check out the homeland of his ancestors. He believed his plane was re-routed to a small town airport in the United States where he was kidnapped by CIA GANGSTERS disguised as Polish police. Maybe in reality he caused a scene at the airport and was detained and sent back home. Or maybe…

Dec died in 1996, but shortly beforehand a couple Dec fans found him as he was dying in a military hospital. They dressed up in black suits and sunglasses and stood at his bedside. Dec wasn’t very responsive. Maybe their pretending to be the actual “playboy scum-on-top” Dec obsessed over for so many years freaked him out. Then again, maybe Dec would have seen the men in black suits whether or not they were actually there. Either way, you can read the account of this visit (with a picture!) here.

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The Racism is Strong With This One

I’m just gonna leave this pic of Ron Paul chillin’ with some Neo-Nazis here for no particular reason.

Probably the most over-the-top batfuck insane thing ever is Dec’s account of World War II, which he calls “The TRUE History of Nazi Jewmany.” The Holocaust left Dec with a dilemma. He hated Nazis because of how they invaded Poland, the “land of [his] forefathers.” He had something like a Nazi theory of racial superiority, but since it’s Francis E Dec and therefore nothing can just be normal, the Poles were at the top of his weird racial hierarchy instead of Germans. While he hated the Germans for invading the obviously superior Poles, Dec also hated the Jews for pretty much the same reasons the Nazis hated Jews: They were supposedly at the center of a communist conspiracy to take over the world.

So how could one develop a consistent worldview that would justify hating both Germans and Jews? Dec resolved this conflict by proposing that Jews were secretly controlling the Nazis. According to him, Jews forced the Nazis to exterminate nearly all of them in order to make them appear to be victims and deserving of sympathy. He thought the Holocaust survivors were the real anti-Semites. At its core, this is essentially the same way in which some conservatives accuse liberals of being the real racists for providing a social safety net which according to their own actually racist views, enables their perceived laziness of minorities. Both Dec and Newt Gingrich think real victims are exploiting their victim status in order to control the people who in reality are oppressing them.

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Dec’s Legacy

 

As mentioned previously, there’s a Francis Dec fan club, and it looks like their goal is to try to explain Dec’s theories in ways that normal people can comprehend without having to piece everything together into a coherent story based on his rants. To do this they created an online dictionary, or Dectionary, to define all of his buzz words. And there are lots of them.

There’s also an artist going by zer0 who illustrates Dec rants. It’s too bad Dec’s no longer with us to critique his artwork and see if it lines up with what Dec imagined in his awesomely fucked up brain. Then again Dec probably would’ve assumed zer0 were just another cog in the Communist Computer God Machine and smashed his skull in with a cinder block if they’d ever met in person.

The Church of the SubGenius (whom I’ve written about before) is mostly responsible for popularizing Dec. At least that’s how I first learned about him. They’ve christened him “St. Francis the Incoherent” and sometimes play audio recordings of people reading his rants on the Hour of Slack radio program/podcast.

Speaking of music, the band Pigface (whose music we use on BEASTcast) samples those same  recordings sometimes when playing live. The recordings themselves are not of Dec’s voice. Someone, or a few people, read out the letters in the tone they imagine Dec would have used. One of them has an angry, snarling tone which sounds more appropriate considering the amount of racial epithets. Another uses a more serene tone, as if Dec had used his conspiracy beliefs to coexist somewhat peacefully with the voices in his head.

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 I like to bring this guy up when confronted with the more unhinged yet popular conspiracy theories. For one thing, it demonstrates that they’re all pretty weak in the creativity department. Whenever a conspiracy believer tells you that you’re just conditioned to believe the Official Story, you can bring up Francis Dec and explain to them that they are just as conditioned to reject his beliefs. After all, both the Moon landing hoax stories and Dec’s rants about 4 billion human brains on a secret base on the far side of the Moon are both just as wrong. Those who propose them might not realize it, but Dec’s worldview shares the same imperviousness to and hatred of critical examination as the more conventional conspiracy beliefs about mind-controlling vaccines and the so-called “NAFTA Superhighway.”

So that’s Francis E Dec, Esq. Please try not to be an eternal Frankenstein slave to the Worldwide Communist Deadly Gangster Computer God Government Conspiracy.

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  • Daniel

    It’s sad really, this is less a real ‘conspiracy theory’ and more just one person suffering very much from paranoid schizophrenia. Regular conspiracy theories may be off-the-wall, but they usually do at least make some sense. Like you put it in your article, his was just ‘word salad’. It might have made sense in his head, but all of his reality was distorted. Shame he didn’t get the help he needed.

    • http://www.buffalobeast.com/ Josh Bunting

      He definitely slips into word salad mode more often than guys like Alex Jones, but Dec definitely had a worldview. And it was pretty much the standard “New World Order” one, just with more of everything that makes the “normal” conspiracy theorists kooky. David Icke and Alex Jones probably have a mild form of whatever Francis Dec had. I don’t think they’re really in separate categories, it’s just that Dec is on one extreme end of a spectrum.

  • KufPu

    I’ve spent a goodly portion of my career providing services for mentally ill people, and there are more folks who think like this than you may realize. That said, they don’t usually garner a following, which is, I think, a far more interesting phenomenon. As astronomers can look out into space at vast clouds of dust and gas and say that this is the birth of stars, so can we look at a completely untreated, unhinged paranoid schizophrenic proclaim his private, internal delusions to the world, gather a number of people who find his delusoion somehow appealing, and be witness to the birth pangs of a religion.

  • Adam

    ” Your “real brain” is also there, and the stuff inside your skull here on Earth is just a super-advanced type of radio receiver. So you can’t trust anything you perceive and no evidence derived from observation is valid since it could all just be sensory manipulation via radio signals from the Moon.”

    So what you’re saying is this: Francis E Dec is a radio controlled sophist.

  • Diablo

    I had heard of Dec before mainly because my older brother went off the deep end with OCD and paranoia in college. Thanks to his wonderful wife and advancement in therapy and drugs, he is good now, but if he misses his meds, you can tell right away because he will start making connections to things that just aren’t there and his speech will subtly change. When we were struggling to get him help, I ended up learning a good deal about mental health and somewhere on the internet, I got connected to the Dec fan site. Side note, your piece on the Sub Genius and the resulting flame war on the comments were freaking hilarious.

    I’m in college now for mechanical engineering after doing six years in the military. I am often horrified to learn from people I know, arguably intelligent people, that regularly accept the most nonsensical crap about things, like the moon landing being faked, Evolution is just a “theory” ergo religion has place in high schools, or that 9-11 was a massive false flag operation. There is nothing more frustrating than trying to argue with someone about a building falling when they don’t even understand the basic concepts of structure mechanics…but since they saw a video on Youtube, they are an expert now.

  • malachi

    Seriously, when’s the Loathsome list coming out?

  • http://acksisofevil.org scooterKPFT

    I hung out on alt.slack for years, I can’t believe I missed out on this guy. Those rants, especially when read by Britton, are fucking psychoactive. They’re sort of noisy and abrasive at first, but they are so relentless and accelerating that they get you into a zone, and when you start to laugh, you can’t stop. Literally hysterical.

    I thought it was just me, so I played some for my wife when I got home, and it had the same effect on her.

    Her comment was, FTW, simply, “Ron Paul”.

    The big question is, should I censor the racist shit before playing it on the radio? Tough one.

  • http://www.facebook.com/john.barsdis John Barsdis

    late to this party but google “kitten sparkles” for their late 80s st francis homage.

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