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TWiC #9: David Icke's 5 Most Hilarious Fantasies




So I’ve almost got to the double digits of this column about crackpots and craziness without even having addressed David Icke. He’s probably best known for spreading the idea that European royalty and other powerful elites like George Bush and Boxcar Willie are secretly the descendants of reptilian shape-shifters from another planet who interbred with humans in ancient times to create special bloodlines… Bloodlines of evil! And they eat babies! And stuff. It’s an extension of the Ancient Aliens hypotheses you get from guys like Zecharia Sitchin and Giorgio A. Tsoukalos (who I hear is actually a really nice guy, for what it’s worth) with a little interplanetary erotica thrown in for fun.

If that’s all you’ve heard about David Icke, you probably won’t be surprised to learn that’s not quite the extent of all his crazy ideas. You don’t just put that out there and then spend the rest of your time fishing or writing about architecture. He has several books, some of them very long and all of them just packed to the brim with speculation about the secret motives behind everything from the JFK assassination to Sumerian mythology.

The one I’ll be taking most of these examples from is called The Greatest Secret, which is where he first really started pushing the Reptilian thing, published in 1998. But it has lots of other fun stuff too. It reminds me of the Illuminatus! Trilogy, except I think we can be pretty sure David Icke isn’t kidding in the way Robert Anton Wilson might have been.

Anyway, here are some of my favorite of his lesser-known fantasies about what the Reptilians are doing behind closed doors and more.

The Vulcan salute: Doing it wrong.


5. What Really Happened To Princess Diana and John F Kennedy

A recurring theme I find with Icke is that he’ll take a well known belief about a particular alleged conspiracy and push it just a little bit further to make it his own thing. It’s kind of like how producers who make music largely by sampling will add a little distortion to the Amen Break or chop up the Funky Drummer beat a little to avoid being called a hack or even getting sued for copyright infringement. Icke is the equivalent of the guy who makes the songs made up of samples from other songs that you simultaneously love and yet can’t help but wonder where the original beats came from.

In that sense, Icke’s take on the deaths of Princess Diana and John F Kennedy represent his remix album of all the conspiratard tracks that ignite the troofer dancefloors. So there are lots of people who believe in conspiracy stories about the deaths of Princess Diana and President Kennedy. Most will tell you that one or another shady group of ruthless people wanted to take them out and then exploited a useful opportunity. Kennedy was being driven slowly down a street in a big city where a lot of people hated him in a car with no top. Diana was being driven around Paris by a guy with a 0.228 blood alcohol level. Both instances provide a convenient chance for assassination, and there’s nothing more to it than that.

But that’s not good enough for Icke. For him, both were deliberately calculated ritual murders planned decades if not centuries in advance. To make this case, Icke takes random details and prescribes meaning to them way out of proportion than what’s warranted. So Kennedy, for example, was killed on November 22, 1963. November is the eleventh month of the year. Add 11 and 22 and you get 33. There are 33 degress which one can ascend in Scottish Rite Freemasonry. Therefore high-ranking Freemasons killed Kennedy. Is it just a coincidence that 11 and 22 make 33? Probably not!

Then there’s Princess Diana. When she was a child, she apparently visited the Queen’s family over the holidays specifically to watch the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, a movie about a royal family who hate children so much that they hire a kidnapper to round them up and put them in a dungeon. Then years later, the car she was in during the accident that killed her struck the 13th pillar of the Pont de l’Alma road tunnel! THIRTEEN! DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!

To be fair, Icke comes up with a lot more details of this sort. But I don’t really feel like writing a 700 page book about it like he does. Anyway, the icing on the cake with the “ritual murders” of these two people is that they were both supposed to be re-creations of pagan gods. Kennedy was the “Sun King” and Diana the “Moon Goddess.” Both were “groomed” to be killed on their exact respective dates and places. It’s enough to make those made-up stories about Satanic cult families with secret children sacrificed to the Prince of Darkness sound feasible by comparison

4. Turquoise = Magic

In the early 1990s, Icke started wearing only turquoise, which is this color. He did this because it’s a magical color and a conduit of “positive energy.”  He couldn’t just suggest that any color had special properties. He had to go one step further and pick the ugliest one of all. Even suggesting that turquoise is pleasant to look at sounds like something you’d read in Slate.

Around the same time Icke started an affair with a “psychic.” Soon afterwards he convinced his wife to let her move in. Maybe there’s something to this turquoise business after all. Both women changed their names. Because as the old saying goes: When you’re poly-amorous with David Icke you might as well change your name.

3. I Wasn’t Joking About Boxcar Willie

Boxcar’s Best is an obvious code name for the Illuminati.

The political and financial elites are going to play the lead role in any story about secret rulers of the world. This is supposed to explain how politics and commerce are coordinated. But it doesn’t explain how we end up with famous musicians and other artists, does it? And why were popular artists showing up at Bohemian Grove? HMMM?!?!

It all makes a twisted sort of sense the way Icke tells it. Guys like Boxcar Willie are also shapeshifting reptiles from the lower 4th dimension of another planet. Duh! Here’s how an Icke forum member puts all this in perspective using a technique of making connections popular with fans of both David Icke’s books and Kevin Bacon’s movies:

“… Willie was a first cousin of actor Tommy Lee Jones who attended Harvard University where he was Al Gore’s roommate.”

The David Icke forums would be a great subject for another column altogether, but unfortunately I can’t do much hands-on research on them because I’ve been banned for trying to convince the homeopaths there of the safety and efficacy of vaccines. They insisted I was a paid government disinformation agent and probably the cousin’s lab partner of a hotel maid of one of the Bilderbergers or something.

2. Christianity’s Connection With McDonald’s


Much like with his Diana / Kennedy stuff, Icke gets very much into making unwarranted connections out of insignificant details when discussing religion. He claims to know the secret authorship of the Gospels. Most Biblical scholars would be surprised to learn this since they all claim them to be anonymous after having studied the subject all their lives. But Icke does a few weekends of “research” and comes up with all kinds of secret codes he believes to be hidden in the Gospels.

One of these secret codes is the number 40. Icke claims there is a connection between the number 40 and the letter M. M stands for Mary, Madonna, and McDonalds. And that’s why they use the Golden Arches as their corporate logo.

1.  The Moon Is Secretly a Reality-Creating Alien Spaceship

This is a new one developed since I last looked into Icke’s material. He introduces this in his 2010 book Human Race Get off Your Knees. Unfortunately I haven’t had time to get to this one yet, but here’s how the book’s description pitches this one:

“[Icke's] most staggering revelation is that the Earth and the collective human mind is manipulated from the Moon, which, he says, is not a ‘heavenly body’, but an artificial construct – a gigantic ‘spacecraft’ (probably a hollowed-out ‘planetoid’) – which is home to the extraterrestrial group that has been manipulating humanity for aeons.

“He describes what he calls the ‘Moon Matrix’, a fake reality broadcast from the Moon which is decoded by the human body/mind in much the same way as portrayed in the Matrix movie trilogy. The Moon Matrix has ‘hacked’ into the human ‘body-computer’ system, he says, and it is feeding us a manipulated sense of self and the world 24/7.”

Sounds like someone we know, doesn’t it?

It also sounds like this is something Icke’s been contemplating for a while. He could have been testing the waters to see how this kind of thing was received with his 2003 book on religion, which pitches pretty much the same thing except only applied to the specific events surrounding the origins of certain religions.

Apparently it worked according to whatever criterion he applied, so Icke is now expanding this hologram theory to apply to every aspect of reality as we know it. And as it was with Francis E Dec, Esq. using a similar belief during his time, Icke now has an easy response to literally any criticism anyone could levy against him. Living in this kind of bubble must be how Icke defines freedom.


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  • http://atlas-shirked.blogspot.com Trevor

    Who the hell is that History Channel guy? I see him all over the memes making that stoned, gropey face.

  • http://www.buffalobeast.com/ Josh Bunting

    Giorgio A. Tsoukalos

  • http://atlas-shirked.blogspot.com Trevor

    Much obliged, Mr. Bunting.

  • http://exiledonline.com Draven Urcle

    “Icke is the equivalent of the guy who makes the songs made up of samples from other songs that you simultaneously love and yet can’t help but wonder where the original beats came from.”

    Literally, equivalent. Icke, Alex Jones, etc are auteurs of a new genre of fiction which hasn’t been officially recognized as of yet. The Beast nails it directly on the head – this is the novelistic version of sampled beats. This episitemological ‘sampling’ happens to be one of the pillars of effective memetic transmission, which may explain the seemingly mystifying popularity and success of people like Jones & Icke.

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