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God's PR Squad Lies Again! Alex Jones! Stoned Angels Ordering Pizza!

May

18

by

STOP THE PRESSES: Alex Jones is being stupid again, you guys! He has exposed the secret atheist agenda, and can you guess what it is? You get one guess. If your guess was a mishmash of Jonesian buzzwords like “New World Order,” “conspiracy,” “Luciferian,” and “occult,” then you win!

Alex Jones does this “research,” OK? He doesn’t ever cite any sources because usually his research involves just making shit up. But according to his research, everyone funding atheist groups are secretly occultist Luciferians, like pretty much everyone else who doesn’t believe everything published on InfoWars.

See, these rich occultists try to turn everyone into other occultists, somehow in some invisible way. Probably with magic. Anyway, it usually doesn’t work, so they just try to “make everyone atheist.” Because that’s so much easier given how trust-worthy and well-accepted atheists are in American society.

As usual, this is all part of some plot to advance the cause of eugenics. There’s a pretty despicable trick he plays with that word. Most of us think of eugenics and associate it with pseudoscience, racism, and the Holocaust. But that’s not what he’s really referring to. He really means abortion, and by abortion, I mean laws making abortion legal. But to Jones, legalizing abortion and Auschwitz are all the same thing because he has no morals and no sense of proportion at all.

Jones started out as an anti-abortion conservative radio guy. He quickly “discovered” the New World Order and found his niche there, but he’s held onto this weird fetish for the government forcing unwanted pregnancies throughout his career, for FREEDOM.

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Angels rush in for the lunch special.

A pizza shop owner Bob Usner found an angel on his surveillance video. Admittedly I’m pretty bad with aesthetics overall but it took me a few minutes of staring at this picture to see the “angel.” And I’m still not 100% sure I’m seeing the same one as the pizza shop owner.

But if we’re perceiving the same thing here, the angel is doing a what Ryu and Ken from Street Fighter 2 refer to as the Tatsumaki Senpuu Kyaku spinning kick towards the left side of the frame. The right side of the vague blur is one of the angel’s wings and the left side of the blur would be the other. The slightly less blurred black space in between the two is supposed to be the head, which would be facing left, blocking the full view of the wing on the angel’s right side with its silhouette.

I found this story via r/skeptic and some of the commenters there seemed to think it was probably a pigeon. I guess I can see that in the same unconvincing way I can see the angel. But since there are around 400 million pigeons in the world (most of them live at the University at Buffalo’s North Campus or with Mike Tyson in Brooklyn) and there are exactly zero cases of actual angel appearances, it’s a lot more likely this is a pigeon.

To most of our audience that goes without saying. But look at how easily a true believer like Usner can warp the probability of supernatural events based on past experiences:

“When asked if there could another explanation for the image, maybe a spider web or a lens flare, Usner said the camera has never captured anything like this.”

So there’s no way it can be a spider web because his camera never captured ANYTHING LIKE THAT before. Does that mean that his camera regularly picks up pictures of spirits and ghosts and demons? Is that why he could identify this blur as his dead father in angel form? And is this some kind of special camera? Maybe it’s a demonic surveillance camera straight from the pit of hell! Let’s burn it!

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Rick Perry, seen here, beating the heat

Remember last year when there was a drought in Texas and its Governor Rick Perry was all like, “Hey dudes! Maybe if we wave our hands around and mumble to ourselves, it’ll start raining!” It was a combination of The Secret and a rain dance.

So they prayed and prayed, but forgot to fill out the proper paperwork. So their Prophet Mohammed God set large portions of the state on fire.

But now in an Orwellian re-writing of history, Christian activist Rick Scarborough and science fiction alternative history author David Barton are claiming that prayer actually stopped the wildfires. It would be easier to make a case for the opposite, although that would still involve claiming that prayer is magical.

But because it eventually rained at some point in the future – who’da thunk it, right? – Scarborough calls it a “fresh illustration of how God honors prayer.” To which Barton responded:

“Yeah, that’s one of those many things that historians will looks back upon and say ‘look at the correlation.’”

See, this is how miracle stories can start. We’re seeing it happen right in front of our eyes. This is why you can’t take ancient historical accounts with lots of mythical elements seriously. The people who are interested in spreading this kind of nonsense will just flat out lie. And they’ll do it boldly and without any shame at all.

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  • Anteprepro

    “Look at that correlation” indeed.
    http://droughtmonitor.unl.edu/archive.html. That Day of Prayer in May did a whole lot.

    Just look at May 3rd on those archives. All of Texas in some sort of drought, at about 3/4 of the state in severe drought, several blotches of exceptional droughts. But then, a miracle happens! On June 7, over 3/4 of the state is in at least a severe drought and over half of that is an exceptional drought. Wait. That’s not an improvement. The magic must happen in July! So, on July 5th a miracle happens! Now, almost 3/4 of the state is in an exceptional drought. Wait. That’s worse. So the magic must happen in August! On August, where…holy fuck, that’s even more exceptional drought than before! Like, 4/5ths now! Maybe it gets better in September. That’s like, not even summer anymore. Okay, so Sept…holy fuck, even more exceptional drought, and almost the entire state is red! What the fuck!?

    October. That’s when the magic happens. So on October 5th…the entire state is maroon. It’s, like, virtually at the highest level of drought imaginable. How about November? Can we end the six month long drought in November? Well, it does actually look better, on November 1st. In fact, it looks about as bad as it did in June, i.e. much better, but still worse than it was when these clowns began praying. Really, it only got to the point where only half of Texas was afflicted with severe droughts this February, And only stopped having severe or worse droughts THIS MONTH.

    So, obviously, Mission Accomplished! Prayer works like a charm. Exactly as well as a charm.

  • E. Scott Frogelman

    haha, great job anteprepro!

  • Manduka Springtime

    But wait, now. There were probably some gays somewhere, and someone gave them partner benefits. This would, naturally, prompt God to immolate people and kill crops, and we have to factor that in if we’re going to accept your model.

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