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Jan

21

by

Dear BEAST Readers,
Over the past few months, you’ve likely noticed an unexplained dearth of the BEAST content you crave. My absence is inexcusable. But I do have a pretty good excuse.

Shortly after the election–an election I called way back in December, 2011, incidentally–I contracted a nasty case of flu. Well, and this is embarrassing to admit, during a particularly violent coughing fit, I managed to re-herniate a disc (or several?) in my upper spine. “Re-herniate” may not be accurate, as I never completely healed from the original injury. I’d initially herniated the disc(s) about a year ago while swimming–an exercise I’d chosen specifically to save my already crippled lower back. Go figure.

As a lifelong sufferer of back pain, due to a differential in leg length that came with my club foot (and a youthful defiance against my doctor’s orders to avoid sport), I can say without a doubt that this latest injury was, clinically speaking, a fat pile of debilitating bullshit. Very knifey. Very stabby. Very nerve-pinchy, down my entire left arm from shoulder to fingertips. It’s been only within the last fortnight or so that I’ve able to sit up in bed for any significant amount of time, lift anything heavier than five pounds, or even type for more than a few minutes with my left hand.

Basically, it sucked. But, barring the surgery I’ll likely need one day (because I’ve been bedridden 6 of the last 12 months, and I can’t live like that), I’m quasi-officially on the mend. And Obama willing, maybe the Kafkaesque dystopian bureaucracy known as Medicaid will actually process my application before I die, so I can properly join my comrades in the 47%. Seriously. Any fucking day now, guys.

So there. I do apologize for not writing this sooner, but when you’re pissing in bottles because you can’t stand up, the last thing on your mind is explaining yourself to a bunch of ungrateful bastards like yourselves. Speaking of which, I started the loathsome list in earnest a few days ago, so cool your goddamn jets, lower your goddamn expectations, and give me a fucking break. It’ll be done soon.

Btw, do I have to include Adam Lanza? Obviously he perpetrated a literally loathsome and horrific crime, but it feels weird criticizing a guy who was quite clearly out of his mind. And if he’s on the list some other deserving monster who’s sane and purportedly accountable for their actions will have to be bumped–like Jeanne Moos. Really, what is that lady doing? Why? Why does she exist? What is she doing? What the hell does she think she’s doing? Her delivery indicates that she might be aiming for levity (as if the gravitas Wolf Blitzer lends to CNN’s “serious” news coverage demands comic relief), yet she’s never said anything funny. Ever! No one’s ever said, “Oh, you know who makes me laugh? Jeanne Moos!” Not your dad, your aunt, your grandma, nor your uncle who was dropped on his head as an infant–and thinks the late Andy Rooney’s curmudgeon shtick was second in belly-laughs only to the piano stylings of political satirist Mark Russel–has even the remotest idea what in the hell that lady is trying to do! No one! Not even people who think Jay Leno is funny understand what the fucking fuck that fucking lady is fucking doing! “Oh, brother!” is not a punchline! What the fuck?! DIE! DIE! DIE!

So what I’m saying is that Jeanne Moos might be far worse than Adam Lanza. Thoughts?

Sincerely,
Ian Murphy

 

  • Beast_Fan

    I’m going to say no on Adam Lanza just because he had serious mental issues. If anything Wayne LaPierre should be in his place. Or, you know, Jeanne Moos would work too : D

    Wishing you a speedy recovery, man.

  • Beast_Fan

    Or Sam Harris, naturally.

  • gkg115@gmail.com

    You can include all the twatrangers that created a mental health system that mocks itself and the entire NRA membership before you mention Lanza as far as I’m concerned.
    Back pain sucks man. Been there, bought the t-shirt,wanted to die.
    I hope you’re better soon.

  • Beast_Fan

    Though Jeanne DID do that exposé on Ketchup Lube. Yes, that is a thing.

  • dex

    nancy lanza.

  • Zap Rowsdower

    Shit. Not the kind of thing anyone wants to hear/read about. Get well soon, Mr. Murphy.

    As far as Adam Lanza goes, you can always give him a dishonorable mention. That way you can lay into the guy without having to give up a spot on the list.

  • http://twitter.com/pws4 pws

    Don’t include Lanza. Limit it to people who are still alive.

    • Beast_Fan

      Definitely. There are so many loathsome living people, like George Zimmerman, Karen Handel, John Derbyshire…damn this year sucked.

  • Tom Servo

    Just get better soon, Ian.

  • http://www.facebook.com/siefertma Mark A. Siefert

    DON’T include Lanza, please. He’s just as much a victim of our fucked up, paranoid, selfish, bloodthirsty society as the children he killed.

  • Fleischwolke

    Best wishes – back pain is the pits. Don’t include Lanza, or you will have spoiled two positions on the internet’s best list.

  • KevinC

    The list should be limited to people who have been diagnosed with mental illness. That would leave Lanza off but still allow for Bachman and the other crazies who have not been diagnosed.

  • Fan since day 1

    What up Murphy, I never knew how debilitating back pain was until I experienced it myself–take care and get that fucking list out—-it’s the highlight of my reading each year!

  • http://twitter.com/RobFausett Robert Fausett

    Get well, Ian. Loathsome never comes out till around February anyway. I wasn’t sweating it.

  • msfreeh

    Visit the website of Norm Shealy MD and inventor of the TENS device for controlling pain. see his bio also visit the website of his business partner , Caroline Myss , a medical intutitve.

  • philippos42

    I don’t see why Adam Lanza should be on the list, honestly. The guy who shot up the Sikh Temple is probably more despicable, and if you rejigger your list to cover all the mad shooters of 2012 you lose spots for those who abuse their influence across the country.

  • Bruce388

    As a veteran of spinal fusion in 1969, almost before they had painkillers, along with the obligatory orthotic for my right shoe, I can relate. Get better soon, and good luck with the Top 50. You have a lot of material.

  • Me

    Life’s a bitch man. I hope your mending goes well. I love your content and will patiently wait. :)

  • diphtheria

    Ahhh I wondered what happened. I’d feared you’d decided to shut ‘The Beast’ down!

    Anyway, get well soon. I look forward to the list and other content!

  • http://twitter.com/TheOculusOnline Joshua Goldfond

    Jesus, really sorry to hear that man. Take your time and heal up. Believe you me, the monsters will still be here when you recover.

    And fuck Adam Lanza. About 90% of the motivation of batshit guys like him is for the press and notoriety, so the less of that the better. Every fewer mention is a diminished chance that some loser will decide to get his 15 minutes by shooting toddlers/teens/Holocaust Survivors, which in turns means less Michelle Malkin on my TV saying that said toddlers/teens/Holocaust Survivors should have had AR-15s of their own.

    It’s the same reason why the Presidential biographies on the White House website never mention the names of their assassins (although the White House site should, at least, provide an comprehensive list of each President’s crimes).

  • andacar

    I’m genuinely sorry to hear that Ian, though if I may say, this explains a few things. I can genuinely relate! The nastiest, most biting stuff I ever wrote was done when I was in the dialysis clinic with tubes in my arm, feeling like crap and surrounded by calcified Republicans on Medicaid grousing about Obama’s welfare state that were far too stupid to understand irony. Got the transplant last year, and all seems to be well. Heal up. We can wait, and I will join the chorus saying Adam Lanza doesn’t rate this list. Just make damn sure Lance Armstrong is up in the top five. Be inventive about him.

  • goodbyekitty

    Life has gotten suddenly dull here in The Bronx. Haven’t heard gun shots since last week. I thought I check in with our sister city….

  • http://twitter.com/RobinCArmstrong Robin Armstrong

    Best wishes Ian, get well soon man. Fuck those other people demanding their lists for free. Fuck them harder than anything they’ll actually experience in their sad, pitiful lives. Seriously, fuck those people. 50 Most Loathsome is the greatest thing ever, but it happens when it happens and we should be grateful to creation that we even get it at all, much less for 10 years or so. We can wait, and it’ll be amazing…

  • Brian

    Look forward to the Loathsome list like I do every year. Hope you feel better.

  • LabyrinthFaust

    Murphy can has back surgery! Get well soon comrade.

  • moss

    Take care of yourself first, for sure. I enjoy your stuff ALMOST enough to pay for it.

  • Sesel

    David Miscavige, Führer of the Church of Scientology, definitely belongs
    on this year’s list. You can check many ex-Scientology blogs for
    reasons why.

  • Patworx

    Sucks.

    I’m looking forward to the list.

  • Carl Gorney

    Ian: Get well soon. I’d like to see the 50 Most Loathsome soon….maybe we can do a new edition of the 25 Most Loathsome Buffaloians(or Western New Yorkers)in the near future?

  • Dick Bubb

    Where’s Tom Sartori!!!

  • Rastacyborg

    Fuck this whining! Robert T. Ironside would have killed to have a herniated disc! He solved crimes from a fucking wheelchair. The doobie isn’t gonna un-herniate your spine, so put down the bong and write, kneebiter!

    • Beast_Fan

      I read this in R. Lee Ermey’s voice. I don’t know why…

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