For the 53rd time in last 6 weeks, Republican presidential candidates will square off tonight at 8 pm EST in Las Vegas, Nevada. If you absolutely hate yourself, you can watch it online here. Here’s what you should watch for:
- Flavor of the month, “Black Walnut,” Herman Cain has surged in the polls of late, making him the focus of tonight’s debate, and the likely target of ridicule from his fellow debaters. It’s expected that Cain will deflect most criticisms of his nonsensical 9-9-9 economic plan by making no sense.
- Look for Michele Bachmann to try to reclaim her favor among the tea party/Christian fundamentalist set by attempting to exorcise the Mormon devil out of Mitt Romney’s hair. Watch close for this one. Insiders say that Bachmann is likely to sneak up behind the presumptive nominee and suck the evil out with a garden hose that’s been blessed by Kirk Cameron.
- Former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman has decided to opt out of tonight’s debate, as a way for fewer people to know who he is.
- Debate moderator Anderson Cooper will have a seemingly innocuous back-and-forth with Rick Santorum. The exchange will, in reality, be super-secret homosexual code.
- It’s thought that this is Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s last debate opportunity to prove that he’s not, in fact, mentally retarded. Members of the Perry campaign are said to be coaching the candidate to channel Josh Brolin.
- Former Louisiana Gov. Buddy Roemer will participate in tonight’s debate from a Stuckey’s near his house.
- Mitt Romney will act like Mitt Romney, in a clever ruse to put the other candidates to sleep through the primaries.
- The audience will invariable burst into enthusiastic applause at the mention of executing gay soldiers who harbor Mexican abortion doctors.
- Ron Paul will shout, “GET RID OF IT!” about something — Department of Education, Social Security, Medicare, whatever — and a bunch of people in the audience will cheer because they’re “high as fuck.”