The Manhattan Madam’s pointless run for NY Governor
BY IAN MURPHY
BUFFALO–So I’m on lunch the other day, covered in sawdust, specks of paint and your general blue-collar grime, when I notice what appeared to be a prostitute and her diminutive pimp posing for photos in Niagara Square. He’s pinstriped and wearing a fedora. The hooker’s a spray-tan…woman with collagen-duck-lips, long bleach-blond hair, caked-on-makeup, leg tattoos and enough silicon on the top floor to caulk an entire mansion. I’m just eating my shitty gas station sandwich on a bench, wondering what & why?
As it turned out, the dude wasn’t a pimp. He just had a ridiculous hat. And the prostitute wasn’t a prostitute, as I’d presumed, but actually a former pimp. Dubbed the “Manhattan Madam,” Kristin Davis worked at the $1,000-$3,000/hr escort agency that purportedly blacklisted Eliot Spitzer because he was abusive to the staff. And while the shamed Governor–guilty of violating the Mann Act–walked free, Davis went to Rikers Island, for once catering to his demented appetites. She’s currently on probation. And running for governor of New York state.
I asked the candidate, “What are your qualifications?”
“I spent ten years as the vice president of a hedge fund [Brookhaven Capital Management],” she said. “I created businesses and made payroll. For five years, I ran several escort agencies from scratch–while an illegal business, we made millions of dollars.”
“Has managing whores made you uniquely qualified for New York state government?”
“It has. I think that my experience in politics thus far has been that everyone’s doing it for the money, so I think that that experience has actually helped translate into what we’re doing now. So I think it’s my business acumen and, also, I’m the only candidate with really nothing to lose. Everyone else is taking money from special interests and selling out the tax payers, so it’s time we stop believing in career politicians. They don’t know what they’re doing.”
“Are you–ahem–polling well?”
“No idea.” (No.)
“And you’re running as an independent?”
“Independent, yes, under a brand new party we created called the Anti-Prohibition Party, which is geared to end the prohibition on marijuana and generate revenue through its taxation.”
“Yes,” she hesitated, “but I would settle for decriminalization, so that women have rights and options.”
“I’m also for the institution of gay marriage,” she added. “It’s time to end the discrimination.”
“How high are those heels?” I asked.
“Wow. How high are Carl Paladino’s heels?”
“Probably an inch and a half.”
“If you had to, which would you choose: Cuomo or Paladino?”
“Really? We’re talking about sex here, right?”
“Oh,” she laughed. “No, neither. But if I had to vote for someone besides myself I would vote for Paladino, because I think Cuomo is part of a dysfunctional system. And I think that he’s corrupt. And I don’t think he’s going to keep any of the promises he campaigned on. He’s a career politician, so I’d go for the business man.”
“So you’re a bit of a Tea Partier then?”
“I’m a libertarian,” she said, adding, “We need to keep the government out of our pockets and out of our bedrooms.” Then a bee buzzed her guns-and-freedom-loving head and she ran screaming. Smoothing her ruffled hair and lapel, she said, “Even bees love blonds.”
The Buffalo News didn’t cover her press conference, which proceeded our brief talk. I can only presume it’s because Davis is hideous. But, then again, so is Carl Paladino. He looks like a vampire–not Edward. Not even Bella Lugosi. More like Nosferatu. He’s a self-described “libertarian” Dracula who would impose “eminent domain” on the proposed “Ground Zero Mosque.” And while he wants welfare recipients housed in old prisons, taught hygiene and used as a source of cheap labor, he’s repeatedly buried his fangs into the tax payer neck and drained millions in government subsidies by investing in distressed (read: Buffalo) properties. His idea of small government is one that confiscates land, denies religious freedom and doles out piles of money to wealthy developers. But the irony is lost on his supporters, who plant his sign in their lawns and endorse a known racist and purveyor of donkey-porn.
I walked away from the impromptu interview wanting to vote Davis, for some of her sensible social positions and boobs, but despising her Milton Friedman-flavored economic positions and face. And her endorsement of Paladino was unforgivable. She’s probably right, however, Cuomo is also an unsavory choice. I wouldn’t do him either. And what kind of creep would pursue politics as a career? Probably a politician! Grrrrr!
If I’m going to throw my vote away on anyone, I may as well vote Green Party. They want to legalize pot, invest in renewable energy, jail Wall St. crooks and end corporate personhood. That would be the decent vote to cast.
Back in America, we’re not decent. We’re ignorant whores, tricked out and just tricked. We’re dumb enough to give it up for free, and we’re only fucking ourselves.
And that’s why I’m not voting.