By Jimmy Garbanti
When I think back to the dark, dreary days of marijuana prohibition, I can’t help but wonder, “What the hell were we thinking?” After all, hemp legalization has brought us many, many benefits, with no significant drawbacks. If I had to say what one change we’ve made in our society that has been the best, I would have to say it was hemp legalization.
Certainly, there have been other big changes. The invention of the Integrity Detector, and the institution of the Presidential Aptitude Test, forever barring unscrupulous dimwits from leading us astray, was certainly helpful. Rising salaries and educational requirements for police officers was a good idea. The conversion of the Pentagon into a Montessori school has, no doubt, been a great boon. And the freak catastrophic event that hurled the deep Southern states into the Atlantic Ocean was, while tragic, indisputably instrumental in our nation’s progressive transformation.
But pot has brought us home. Our trees can rest easy, now that we have a renewable source of paper. Our hemp clothes are better quality than the old fabrics, and our hovercars run on clean-burning Grassoline. Struggling tobacco farmers have found far greater fortune in our number one cash crop, Marlboro Red-Hair having become the single best-selling brand in history. And let’s not forget the blossoming hash brownie industry. The sick can alleviate their nausea symptoms, and I can get really, really high, with no paranoia.
Let’s face it, folks—we must have been nuts! All those silly ads about people drowning their kids, running over kids, eating their kids, whatever—it all seems so silly now, doesn’t it? In fact, violent crimes, political unrest, speeding—all are on the decline. The only known drawbacks so far charted—rises in chronic lateness and forgetfulness, are more than alleviated by the marked improvement in the quality of popular music, and the common fits of laughing that seem to be afflicting everyone these days. TV shows seem better, too, but I’m not sure if that’s just because I’m messed up or what. Whatever it is, I’m totally grooving on it, cool?
Some people say that the pot revolution is a bad, thing, that potheads can’t be trusted to follow through or handle their responsibilities. Well, to them I say