"Totally coup, yo."

Ain't No Party Like The Korean Workers Party 'Cuz The Korean Workers Party Don't Stop 'Til All Students Are Conscripted Into Forced Labor Camps

Jul

21

by

A BEAST Reader Opinion

by Kim Jong-Il

1 2 3 4, Get your proletariat on the floor!

But if they try to escape, drag them to a small room without windows and shackle each of their limbs to a different wall.  Then bring in a few starved guard dogs and let them gnaw at his shins for 10 or 15 minutes, just to freak him out a bit. Then you’ll want to get the traitor into a stress position and start pulling out some fingernails ’cause that’s how we do it in Yodŏk boyyyyyy!

Aw yeah! There ain’t no party like the Korean Workers Party ‘cuz the Korean Workers Party don’t stop until we force all college students into work camps to do manual labor for the centennial anniversary of my late father and still head of state of North Korea Kim Il Sung’s birth, bitches! It’s what we call collective punishment for some sucka taggin’ up Pyongyang with counterrevolutionary graffiti, y’all!

That’s how we do it in this gigantic prison colony I have the nerve to call a country, yo! We got us Glorified People’s Democratic Republic striving for unification, even with South Korean puppet stooges of capitalist imperialist wack ass aggressor nation United States. It is only a matter of time before they understand what time it is and come crawling back, so in the meantime I will drink several gallons of Hennessy.

Sayin’ I’m a dictator who allows his people to starve, that can’t do me none. But I gots to represent the cartoonish, over-the-top, repressive Stalinist state. Students can’t be thinkin’ they all that. So it’s going to have to be several months of imprisonment and slave labor, until it’s time for the next par tay.

Word to our collective mother, comrades!

[n.b. the author's understanding of hip hop begins and ends with MTV in 1993]

  • Cor

    Bitch checked me wit’ a million landmines, yo. Nah, it’s cool – send my boyz ’round to Indochina and fuck up her whole cabinet – REPRESENT!
    Been tunnelin’ in that ho’s DMZ, word to your Motherland.

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