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Beast publisher says things, volume II

Jul

08

by

Fallon drinks an unknown quantity of box wine, rants about the rigged game called capitalism.


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BEAST publisher says things

Jun

25

by

A somewhat inebriated Paul Fallon rambles semi-coherently on the American police state, corruption, Snowden, Manning, the persecution of Barrett Brown, and the ultimate fate of the human race.

(For best results, adjust your audio settings to mumble-mode.)

Yes. The first rant of many.


Bill Maher & the Evangelical Left

May

29

by

This article originally appeared at the Progressive.

New Rule: Maher must blow the Baby Jesus if he’s going to keep preaching Democratic magic

It’s absolutely horrific. Although the single, “I wanna bang you,” is debatably the most convincing argument for nuclear holocaust to date, I’m not referring to the release of Paris Hilton’s second album. Vastly more terrifying than the Auto-tuned caterwauling of a vapid hotel heiress is the degree to which political affiliation and base tribalism warps our very perception of reality.

For instance, a recent study published by the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences demonstrated that self-identified conservatives were far less likely to purchase energy-efficient compact fluorescent lightbulbs if a sticker on the package read: “Protect the environment.” And, in the real world, Obama-era liberals have repeatedly supported policies they once reviled only because the sticker on the box read: “Hope and Change.”

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The Definitive 2013 Guide to the 2016 Republican Presidential Frontrunners, Part II

Apr

01

by

The Horrific Speculation Continues!

(Read Part I here.)

Chris Christie

First Republican Governor of New Jersey since 1988. “Tough-talking” and vulgar in the cathartic way that sad, white, middle-aged men generally respond to. Currently falling out of fashion with some GOP hardliners for conceding that a debate about gun control should at least exist. Also not-well liked because he seemed to genuinely enjoy working alongside the Commander in Chief following Hurricane Sandy. Like many middle-aged men, he will go out of his way to profess his taste in music. Being from Jersey, Christie has a love for Springsteen (he weeped like a child after receiving a post-Sandy hug from The Boss). He’s apparently never listened to the lyrics of a single Springsteen song. He’s also very fat.

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The Definitive 2013 Guide to the 2016 Republican Presidential Frontrunners, Part I

Mar

21

by

LET THE HORRIFIC SPECULATION BEGIN!

 

After nearly four years of watching an estimated $6 billion shat away in what we were told would (once again) be The Most Important Election in Human History™, an increasingly impoverished American populace turned out an estimated  57.5% of eligible voters to select one of two guys to be president.

With President Obama now safely at the helm for four more years of Democratic Party-led warfare and austerity, we’ve all returned to our regularly scheduled apathy. Yet, like Christmas, election season seems to come earlier and earlier each cycle. Therefore, to keep you ahead of the curve, here’s a rundown to many of the GOP’s so-called presidential frontrunners who’ll plague our television screens and Facebook feeds for the next four years.

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Does It Matter That Pat Robertson Denounced Creationism?

Dec

03

by

Who took my false teeth?

In case you haven’t heard, in a recent episode of The 700 Club noted corpse Pat Robertson reluctantly admitted maybe that whole thing about the earth being only 6,000 years old is just kind of, y’know, maybe a complete load of shit.

Obviously, this was a bit of a shocker. Robertson has been the captain of the delusional nutjob team for decades now. Why the sudden change of heart? Is he so old that he’s just entered “who gives a fuck” mode? Whatever the case, it certainly threw a lot of people for a loop, but the question is: does this actually matter? Let’s take a look at the details and see if we can’t reach conclusion on this.

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13 Days To Go

Oct

24

by

This shit is almost over with.


Obama and Romney hug it out, bitch.

Holy fuck shit am I sick of this election.

All of it, just all of it. The pointless debates, the endless pontificating by overpaid TV blowhards, the fact that Romney and Ryan can lie their fucking asses off, and no one in the media will call them on it, and if they do, they’ll write it off as no big deal, because apparently asking our politicians for accountability is like, sooooooo 1974….

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1st rule of debate club: don’t bring notes to debate club

Oct

05

by

You’re not allowed to bring notes to a debate, but Mitt Romney does what Mitt Romney wants:

And that’s why he’d be an excellent president.

UPDATE: People are saying that it’s a handkerchief, but it looks pretty damn stiff to me, and there’s no definitive proof one way or the other.

<!–more–>

UPDATE-UPDATE: The mystery object in question was, in fact, neither a handkerchief, nor a cheat-sheet; it was Obama’s Kenyan ghost father! We sincerely regret the error.

I’m on the Twitter

 



My First Election As A Cynic

Jun

18

by

Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Admit That It’s All Bullshit

The 2012 election will be the sixth presidential election of my lifetime, and the third one I’ve actually given a shit about. In 1992, I was barely sentient, having absolutely no idea that Bush had just lost, or that his son would eventually bring the world just shy of complete destruction. In 1996, I wanted Clinton to win, but only because my mom said he was better than the other guy. It’s kind of like how she roots for the Memphis Grizzlies even though she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about basketball. She knows I like them, and that’s that. 2000 was pretty much the same. I knew that the monkey-faced Republican who stole the election was a bad dude, but I had no clue why. Those years, I was just too young.

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