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Posts Tagged with ÔobamaŐ


13 Days To Go

October 24th, 2012 by

This shit is almost over with.


Obama and Romney hug it out, bitch.

Holy fuck shit am I sick of this election.

All of it, just all of it. The pointless debates, the endless pontificating by overpaid TV blowhards, the fact that Romney and Ryan can lie their fucking asses off, and no one in the media will call them on it, and if they do, they’ll write it off as no big deal, because apparently asking our politicians for accountability is like, sooooooo 1974…. (more…)

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BEASTcast 29: Daphne Eviatar

April 23rd, 2012 by

Daphne Eviatar is an lawyer, journalist, and senior associate at Human Rights First. We talk about the Obama administration’s policy on due process and her recent article on Section 1024 of the National Defense Authorization Act. Music is by Pigface and is used with permission. You can subscribe to the BEASTcast here or rate and/or leave a review in iTunes. (more…)

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6 People/Groups Obama Didn’t Call

March 7th, 2012 by

As you’re no doubt aware, President Obama (known throughout my studio apartment as the Drone King for his excellent ability to kill people overseas while still maintaining massive support among liberals who use to hate that sort of thing when a Republican did it) picked up the phone to chat with a woman by the name of Sandra Fluke.

Ms. Fluke, a Georgetown University law student, was called a “slut” and “prostitute” by fat fuck-face Rush “Why Has He Not Joined Andrew Breibart Yet?” Limbaugh. Mr. Limbaugh, a right-wing blowhard radio host, who has since offered an “apology,” took to bashing Ms. Fluke because she went on the TeeVee and defended employer-provided insurance that covers birth control.

Yes, readers of the future, birth control is what people fought over in America in the beginning of the 21st Century. If you feel like looking down on we, your ancestors, you have every right. Have at it. We have earned your righteous contempt many times over.

“I just read something that called me the Drone King.

Meanwhile, for those of us still here in the present I thought I’d whip up a nice little list of people and or groups that President Barack Obama DIDN’T call.

Obama didn’t call…

… the people of New Orleans to apologize for the Army Corps of Engineers drowning them.

… workers in Wisconsin to support their battle for collective bargaining.

… his supporters to explain his craven drug policy concerning pot.

… Iran so he could “talk to our enemies.”

… on cops to stop cracking down on Occupy protesters.

… environmentalist to let them know they could go fuck themselves.

Maybe he’ll phone when Limbaugh calls them sluts. Probably not.

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TWiC #6: Obama is a Secret Pharaoh Clone

February 9th, 2012 by

“OBAMA! And BIDEN! The Three Musketeers!”

So it looks like birtherism is about as dead as we could hope. Sure, the WorldNetDaily and Washington Times crowd will never be convinced Barack Obama is an American human, but the public consciousness has at least shifted enough around this issue that when someone admits to being a birther it’s pretty much the end of any serious conversation. So now the would-be birthers who still want to be taken seriously have to limit their race-baiting to the kind of dog-whistle buzz words and phrases that people like Newt Gingrich are so fond of. (more…)

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39 Things Obama Could Do To Get My Vote

November 7th, 2011 by

One year from today, Americans and Mormons alike will line up at the polls to cast their votes for who will be the next king of the playground. I didn’t vote for Obama last time because I am a racist who only votes for Arab-Americans like Ralph Nader (besides, to be totally honest, I prefer the Trial By Stone method of appointing political leaders as portrayed by the Skeksis in The Dark Crystal). And I don’t plan on voting for Obama again next year. But this could change.

 John McCain (right), shortly before his banishment

Since I know the President reads all of our posts and commits them to memory like most other people on Earth, I will now inform him of 39 things he can do over the course of the next year in the interests of both earning my vote and of general awesomeness.

  1. Start wearing a cape.
  2. Grow an Afro.
  3. Make The Avengers real.
  4. Replace hands with hand-shaped chainsaws.
  5. Sign an executive order mandating that one night a week, Bill O’Reilly’s TV show must only air footage of O’Reilly trying to fit his fist in his mouth.
  6. Stop the war on drugs.
  7. Follow @BfloBEAST on Twitter.
  8. And then re-tweet ALL the things!
  9. Start every sentence with “In accordance with The Prophecy…”
  10. Angrily refuse to answer any questions about The Prophecy.
  11. Tell my boss to fuck off during the State of the Union address, at the end in between the now obligatory reassuring lies “The state of our union is strong” and “Thank you, and may God continue to bless America.”
  12. Wipe all the snow off my car right before I get out of work all winter.
  13. New appointment: Attorney General Glenn Greenwald.
  14. Go BASE-jumping in secret just to try to piss in Nancy Grace’s mouth.
  15. Dress up as a pirate on a random Tuesday and when people ask about it, act like you don’t know what they’re talking about.
  16. Cut the military budget in half.
  17. Split the money saved from #16 between NASA and the NSF.
  18. Answer the next “Why” question at a press conference with “Because FUCK YOU, that’s why.”
  19. Order the National Guard to follow Nickelback on tour, just to freak them out. Both of them.
  20. Murder Andrew Breitbart with a predator drone.
  21. Then outlaw drone assassination of US citizens.
  22. Stop doing that sideways pointing thing he does.
  23. Punch Jay Leno in his stupid prick face.
  24. Get the birther thing started again by pushing for an amendment to the Constitution which nullifies the requirement that the President must be a natural-born citizen. It’s an idiotic rule anyway, and the conspiracy nuts are too much fun.
  25. Strap a camera to your head and livestream everything you do for a day.
  26. Sexually harass Herman Cain using a stick of pepperoni and at least 3 types of cheese.
  27. Order Mike Tyson to train his pigeons to pick the pockets of hedge fund managers on Wall Street.
  28. Release the invisibility cloaks along with all other technology the government received from the aliens and has since been hiding away in a vault to the public.
  29. Make the Pentagon invisible.
  30. Presidents can too make things invisible. It’s in the CONSTITUTION.
  31. Change the National Anthem to either What Is Hip? or any song from the Black Dynamite soundtrack.
  32. Find my car keys.
  33. Abolish the death penalty for all crimes except for driving 5 or more miles per hour under the speed limit in the passing lane.
  34. Sell Idaho to the Canadians.
  35. Forget that, trade it for Vancouver.
  36. Sell Arizona to the Mexicans.
  37. Challenge Rick Perry to a duel. At dawn. At “Niggerhead.” Call him ‘yellow’ when he declines.
  38. Stop pestering us about your boyfriend Jesus.
  39. Use the find/replace function on your speeches to change “Republicans” to “jive turkeys.”

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Paging Dr. Fraud

October 26th, 2011 by

Obama On The Couch author Dr. Justin Frank is clinically delusional

Dr. Frank gained pop psychology fame with his ’04 book Bush on the Couch, an underwhelming analysis of a dry drunk with daddy issues who found Jesus. Not to belittle the psychological professional, but it was readily apparent to all what was going on in Bush’s brain. I mean, there wasn’t a whole lot there. (more…)

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Smell no Evil

August 24th, 2011 by

Lefties hone nose-holding in run-up to 2012

“It is better to vote for what you want and not get it than to vote for what you don’t want and get it.”
-Eugene Debs

“Oh, this guy’s quoting Eugene Debs; his opinion doesn’t matter.”
-Jay Carney

“Who is Eugene Debs?”
-You

There’s a pernicious meme going round these here internet tubes. (more…)

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Obama's Temper Finally Broken By Daughter's Glass Of Spilled Juice

July 7th, 2010 by

Originally posted at The Enduring Vision

Sources inside the White House say that President Barack Obama, infamous for his cool temper, finally “flipped out” yesterday when his eight-year-old daughter Sasha spilled a glass of grape juice all over the living room floor.

“God damnit, Sasha,” Obama reportedly shouted, abruptly standing up from his easy chair and throwing down his newspaper in anger. “Watch what you’re doing once in a god damn while.” (more…)

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LET’S GET SOCIAL: Americans Prefer to Hang Separately

November 10th, 2008 by

By Allan Uthman

Now that fiscal “conservatives” have devastated this country in ways that only the most knuckleheaded can deny (or blame on Barney Frank), it seems that “liberal” just doesn’t pack the epithetic wallop it once did. Just a few years ago, it was enough to tar a Democrat as a liberal to hurt him in the polls, but Barack Obama hasn’t even done much to evade the charge. People may just be thinking that the liberals might not be so bad, considering that they have turned out to be right about seemingly every policy argument of the past decade or so. (more…)

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