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Frank Ocean’s R&B Masterpiece

Jul

23

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Review of Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange

Most of the press that Frank Ocean has received recently has dealt with the revelation that he is bisexual. While I certainly commend him for his honesty, after listening to his debut album Channel Orange, I get the feeling that most of the publicity Ocean will receive in the future will be for his amazing music rather than his personal life.

This is one of the most engrossing, original, emotionally resonant albums of 2012, and a frontrunner for album of the year. While Ocean works primarily in the domain of R&B, his music is far too diverse to be strictly placed in that category. Like Stevie Wonder before him, Ocean uses R&B as his base, while surrounding it with a wide array of styles and influences. From the light funk of “Sweet Life,” to the bombastic prog-rock of “Pyramids,” Ocean is willing to take his music in any direction.

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Futurama Still Doesn’t Suck

Jul

04

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Especially Zoidberg. He fucking rules.

"Hey, look! I found a copy of The Beast from 2006 in here!"

It’s been three years since “Futurama” returned to the airwaves, and I think we can safely say the show is still funny. Admittedly, there were some concerns at the beginning, like the highly dubious “Susan Boil” episode (I get shivers just thinking about that one), but for the most part, the show is producing just as much laughter as it did in its original run.

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Gay Brands Are Gay

Jun

26

by

Homosexual Oreos Make Me Puke

It’s happened again. Another trusted American brand has threatened the sanctity of marriage. How dare you, Oreo cookies? And to think that I used to put you in my mouth!

The Supreme Court just upheld Citizens United and smacked down labor fundraising, and they’re likely to end the tyranny of health care on Thursday. It’s bad enough the Obamerment is forcing me to go on man-dates…et tu, Oreos?

This is truly disturbing. No, really. It represents the casual worst of corporate America and its liberal media cheerleaders. Slap a pandering rainbow on your product, or hire a lesbian comedienne as a spokesperson, and the American consuming public collectively agrees that you, like, really give a shit.

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On Jerry Sandusky And Rape Jokes

Jun

26

by

Why we should drop the “dropping the soap” bit


Sandusky, in a rare non-molesting moment.

On Friday, America waited with bated breath to see what would happen to Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State defensive coordinator accused of molesting dozens of young boys. We were all just about certain he was guilty, but since we’ve seen the legal system fuck up royally so many times before, nobody was quite sure what was going to happen.

Then, the verdict came in, and a burst of applause erupted outside the courtroom. Right then, we knew. That fucker was guilty. 45 out of 48 charges, never seeing the light of day again. For once, a rich old white dude wasn’t going to slip through the cracks. This was a glorious day indeed.

If only we didn’t go and fuck it up by making a bunch of ultra-hacky prison rape jokes.

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Ok, Lebron, I’ll Shut Up Now

Jun

22

by

NBA Finals Recap

So, first things first, I just can’t fucking win. I pick the Heat to win the title at the beginning of the year, then when they get to the finals, I go against them, and naturally, I end up looking like an idiot. Fuck me.

Okay, now that that ugly situation is over, let’s talk about the actual series. After an encouraging win by the upstart Thunder in Game 1, the Heat swept the next four, gradually looking more and more powerful as the series went on. Game 2 was a close one, where the Heat benefited heavily from a dubious no-call on Lebron James that might have sent the game into overtime. As the series went on, the games were still close, but the Heat were beginning to look more and more like the better team, and in game 5, they just straight-up obliterated the Thunder.

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Nick Judd: President of Technology

Jun

19

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Personal Democracy and Our Brutally Stupid Meatspace

 

So Nick Judd, The One & True President of Technology Whom I’ve Never Heard of Before (PBUH), posted a response to my article about the Personal Democracy Forum last week called “Fake David Koch, #PDF12 and the New Gullibility“. I wasn’t going to respond to his response, but I heard you like critiques of your critiques, so here you go:

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My First Election As A Cynic

Jun

18

by

Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Admit That It’s All Bullshit

The 2012 election will be the sixth presidential election of my lifetime, and the third one I’ve actually given a shit about. In 1992, I was barely sentient, having absolutely no idea that Bush had just lost, or that his son would eventually bring the world just shy of complete destruction. In 1996, I wanted Clinton to win, but only because my mom said he was better than the other guy. It’s kind of like how she roots for the Memphis Grizzlies even though she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about basketball. She knows I like them, and that’s that. 2000 was pretty much the same. I knew that the monkey-faced Republican who stole the election was a bad dude, but I had no clue why. Those years, I was just too young.

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See ALL The Evil!

Jun

14

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Evil, Kittehs Abound at #PDF12

Evil shaves its head because it’s balding “gracefully.” Evil lacks principles. Evil tweets with a Mac. Evil is competent. Evil is well paid. Evil has a complexion like Edward James Olmos. Evil might even believe some of its own bullshit. Evil sat next to me during a panel on Wisconsin at the Personal Democracy Forum. Evil’s the online media strategist for the Republican Governors Association. Evil is named Matthew Gagnon.

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Why The Heat Will Lose Big Again

Jun

12

by

2012 NBA Finals Preview

At the beginning of the NBA season, I predicted that the Miami Heat would win the NBA title. In fact, I even went as far as to say that it was inevitable, and that all we could do is search for whatever silver linings we could find in that otherwise depressing outcome.

So, now that the Heat are actually in the NBA finals, why do I expect them to lose?

Because, as it turns out, this team is way more flawed that I initially noticed. For one thing, they really aren’t all that deep. Sure, they have two superstars in Lebron James and Dwyane Wade, and another very good player in Chris Bosh, but what is there after that? A bunch of washed up dudes who are only good at hitting threes (Mike Miller, Shane Battier, James Jones), and a pack of below average centers with no offensive skills whatsoever (Joel Anthony, Ronny Turiaf, Dexter Pittman). For all their flash, the Heat just don’t have a lot of substance.

In contrast, the Oklahoma City Thunder are a far better constructed team. They have a Big Three of their own in Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden, and they also have a lot of quality players beyond that. Power forward Serge Ibaka led the league in blocks, and many thought he deserved Defensive Player Of The Year honors more than the eventual winner, Knicks center Tyson Chandler. The combination of Ibaka and Kendrick Perkins, who has always been known for his defensive prowess, gives the Thunder one of the toughest front courts to score on in the league. Considering that many of the Heat’s playoff victories came from Lebron’s ability to score at will, they could be in some serious trouble.

And really, Lebron is their only hope. Yes, Wade is a great player, too, and he won a title in 2006, but anyone who views the situation realistically can tell you that Lebron is the Heat’s best player, and he should be their leader. As good as Durant is, Lebron is probably still a little bit better at this point. If he is able to thoroughly outplay Durant, it could make up the Heat’s lack of depth and catapult them to victory.

That, however, does not seem very likely. Let’s not forget who we’re talking about here. For all of Lebron’s raw talent and athleticism, he has an odd tendency to struggle in clutch situations. When the pressure is on, he panics, often deferring to Wade, or even a role player like Mario Chalmers. Last year he choked against a Mavericks team that wasn’t even close to the talent level of the Thunder. Admittedly, he’s had several big fourth quarters in these playoffs, so he may be improving in this regard. Still, going against a team as strong as the Thunder, it’s not hard to picture him falling into old habits.

Which is why for all of Lebron’s skill, and as powerful as the Heat’s Big Three can be, they will most likely lose in the finals for a second straight year. Kevin Durant’s leadership and lights out shooting will carry the Thunder to their first title, and we’ll have another year to make fun of Lebron’s inability to take charge when it really matters. Won’t that be nice?

The pick: Thunder in 5

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