"Totally coup, yo."

Boxing: An Even Bigger Joke Than We Thought

Jun

10

by

At least the WWE admits that it’s fake…

 

I give zero fucks — flying or otherwise — about boxing. Every major fight, I try to get into it, but the whole thing just bores the hell out of me. Yes, this is coming from someone who will publicly admit to liking NASCAR. You can say all you want about how it’s an art or a science, but really it’s just two dudes punching the shit out of each other. And that can only be entertaining for so long.

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Pol Dancing in Wisconsin

Jun

04

by

Scott Fitzgerald Gives a Stripper a Ride?

UPDATE 9:35 pm: PROBABLY MAYBE MIGHT BE NOT! More info below original post.

Scott Fitzgerald, the Republican Senator who’s represented the 13th district since ’94, is facing a tough recall election tomorrow against Democratic opponent Lori Compas. So it’s too bad for him that a confidential source just emailed me some highly interesting photos.

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Snake handlers! Satanic football! Feminist dispatches from Kolob!

Jun

01

by

God watches over Moe.

A lot of religious claims and justifications that persist down through the generations do so because they’ve managed to escape empirical testing. So if you ask most religious people if they believe in the power of demonic possession in the straightforward literal sense embraced by the faithful in past centuries, most of them will probably say they don’t. We’ve found better explanations for floods and droughts and other things that used to be blamed on demons. The superstitions that haven’t been filtered out of religion with scientific rigor just becomes what we call religion today.

But even still, lots of superstitions remain intact despite them being proven demonstrably wrong. So for example we have this, from Luke 10:19

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Murphy’s Law XII

May

31

by

The Verdict

We bump into four of the six jurors in the lobby of the courthouse. “So why’d you do it?” asks Fallon.

“We just couldn’t get over how that one guy was ‘disgusted,’” says the young UB cog sci major.¹ They never considered the NOM rally a “religious service.” They didn’t believe Donna Donovan. They didn’t believe Roland Cercone. They didn’t believe the Mount Olive security guard. And they didn’t believe Swanson. But they did believe Josh Bunting.

“But you don’t know what that guy thought!” Fallon marbled. “Maybe he liked it — he wasn’t here!”

They shrug.

“You know,” I say. “They originally charged me with filming the police — and they changed it, three months later, to obscenity after they found the dildo-phone pic online.”

They shrug.

“And they erased my camera.”

A glimmer of understanding comes over the foreman — a Born Again Skeletor look-a-like — and then he says, “So, you work at CFI, huh? I work near there.” He scowls. Or smiles. There’s literally no way to know.

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Murphy's Law XI

May

31

by

Closing Arguments, Conspiracy Theories, Hot Dogs & Heart Burn

1:00 PM — Fallon and I are sitting on a bench in downtown Buffalo. It’s an incestuous ghost town. There’s not many people on the streets, but they all seem to know each other. Most of them are wearing some bureaucratic lanyard or another. They’re all stakeholders in this repugnant perversion of justice. I eat a hot dog.

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Murphy's Law X

May

30

by

The Case of The Viking, The Post-Op Transsexual, and The Chinese McDonald’s

“May I remind you, Mr. Fallon, that your client is entitled to a speedy trial.”
-Judge Susan M. Eagan

“A ‘speedy trial’ means he was supposed to be entitled to a trial soon after being falsely accused! It doesn’t mean we should rush through this thing like it’s a goddamn Chinese McDonald’s!”
-Attorney Paul Fallon

Susan Eagan is a political appointee who breezed into incumbency. She knows who she works for. And she doesn’t know much else. She’s the former president of a Christian homeschooling association, for example. Before the jury comes out, she brings the lawyers back to her chambers to scold Fallon for rolling his eyes at her. That was his highly disciplined response to being told not to question witnesses so thoroughly.

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John Mayer's New Album Doesn't Suck

May

29

by

No, seriously. Stop Laughing.

 

But will you still want to punch him?

For the past decade, John Mayer has been one of the most frustrating figures in music. Much like an athlete with an attitude problem, Mayer has all the talent in the world, but he’s never been able to not suck. He can shred like a motherfucker, but he chooses to put out wuss-rock for 16-year-old girls who think Maroon 5 is too edgy. He’s had a few tolerable singles along the way, but he hasn’t come close to living up to his potential.

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